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back at the beginning

I feel like we have done a full circle. 

We were friends, flirted, then we were together but not officially, which turned into a relationship, next the break up

Then once again we were friends and now it’s back to the flirting.  

He starts saying he misses me then last night he said “I love you best friend” which I know he meant he loves me but had to add the beat friend part to make his self feel better. 

He asked if I was still coming for New Years which I really want to do but idk what will happen between us. Well I do know what will happen. It will be back to the acting like we are together but not officially and then I will leave. Idk if I want to deal with that again. I put so much into it the first time idk if I can do it again.  Idk if I I have the strength to fight as hard as I did last time with the huge possibility that we will get together and then break up. He tried ending it twice before we were official and then three times when we were. Each time it took a piece of my heart and soul. The final time broke me so badly. I want it all to happen so I can feel that joy once again when I’m with him but is the devastating ending worth living through again? 

Do I really want to keep fighting for someone who has put me through so much? My gut feeling is yes but I still have second thoughts about it. 

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