Changes

My life has never been an easy one but somehow i carry on. Growing up i was the plain innocent sheltered girl. I went to private school practically my whole childhood. Once i became a teenager i started to find myself. My mid-sophmore year of high school i got into trouble and was no longer a private school student and had to go to public school. As i grew up i started to realize the things that were going on on my life were not normal. I have 2 half brothers that i never got to see growing up. I had a father that is an alcoholic. He and my mother would go to the bar every night for hours at a time and leave me home alone. I had to learn how to cook by myself. They would even find a bar open on holidays. Of course they would come home and drink more. My father would say awful things to me growing up like i would never amount to anything and that i was worthless. I had no self confidence. I remember the day he beat me, that day will forever be stitched into my memories. He made sure that he hit me in the back of my head where no bruises could be seen. And after every hit he would ask me if it hurt. He was kind enough to say he loved me after he was done beating me. He was an awful person and still is. None of us kids were ever going to be good enough for him and none of us want anything to do with him. As a teenager i finally started to find my voice and stood up for myself. I fought back against him and against anything that stood in my way. As time went on i realized that what happened with my childhood didnt have to effect my life, my personality, my dreams, or who i truly was. By 18 i was forced to move out of the house and just be me. My life in no way has been a fairytale but along the way i was able to create some great memories. I struggled but i also made some amazing friends. I dont regret the life ive had and even now when i wish for something amazing to happen to me i dont get my hopes up. Its never been easy.but for some reason i have never had the best of luck. I know my life could be a lot worse off than it is but sometimes it would be nice to be shown that i truly matter and someone does something amazing for me. Im 33 still waiting for that one thing to come into my life and remind me that i deserve better than the hand i have been dealt in life. I wish my boyfriend would show more affection to me then he does. Dont get me wrong i know he loves me but loving a marine vet with ptsd can be stressful. I wouldnt change it for anything though. He has had my heart for 15 years and no one can take the love i have for him away. 

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