Hmm. I’m not feeling good at all, but I haven’t wanted to write about it because I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I’m really not. I guess I’m just feeling really alone. My parents are making me feel really bad…but not intentionally. I know my dad is extremely ill and has been the past 16 years, and I know my mum has just gone through cancer and her strength is low…she’s actually my dad’s carer and also mine, as my dad are both ill with mental health diagnosis’s. I’m still not well and I do need them still but they’re both so unwell. They give me and always have given me all the material things I need and I am SO grateful for that. I cannot afford to live alone with Harry and I have never been able to have a job…I couldn’t complete my education from being such long times in hospitals so my future isn’t looking good. My parents are willing to give me and my son a home and they pay the house bills and all that. I try to show appreciation by not jut caring for myself and my son’s needs but I do all the washing of the entire house, I wash my parents clothes, my own, Harry’s, I do the towels, bed linen everything and I get them all dry and put them all away. I help with recycling and I empty bins, I clean the floors and the furniture and things like that. I go to the shops and get things for the house as well as things for Harry and myself.
I really am grateful but they don’t really support me emotionally. I tried saying this to them a week or so ago when I was crying, but my dad asked “should a woman who is nearly in her thirties need comfort and care? Ask yourself where you’d be if we didn’t let you keep living here!” he was so cross at me. I said “Fine then I’ll just go,” because he was making it sound like they were just putting up with me than wanting me to be in the house. He then told me to go and leave the house but my mum wouldn’t let me and told him to shut up. I know I shouldn’t have said I’d go but I was in such an emotional state at the time. I felt like an awful person, that there was something wrong with me for wanting comfort, I don’t even know now if it’s ok to want comfort when you’re 28 now 🙁 Why isn’t it ok?
When I’d had that argument with my mum about the car ages ago and I was really struggling with my emotions and the subject wandered onto when I was raped (I know, I make the arguments I have escalate so much) my mum just looked at me said “We ourselves are the ones who choose our friends,” as if to say being raped was all my fault because I chose to be friends with the person in question in the first place. Urgh.
Yesterday my mum had been out again with a friend and my family from Mexico called late on Skype. I was trying to get Harry ready for bed and my mum had been talking to my aunt and grandmother for a while. I asked if she could help me brush Harry’s teeth and she said she was talking on Skype and she said it in a really annoyed way and seemed rally cross. I said it would only take a few minutes but she wouldn’t. In the end I asked my aunt on Skype could she just wait a few moments because I needed mum to help me brush Harry’s teeth as he hates it and it’s impossible to do on my own because he just won’t let me do it. She said of course, that it was fine. I said to my mum please don’t be mad at me, I don’t get to speak to my family at all! My mum, still annoyed, said that’s just what happens with babies. Then she went back and carried on talking for another hour.
Today Harry was being very difficult and stroppy. He smashed my favourite Black Veil Brides mug in a tantrum 🙁 I’ve had thrush for like the third time in only a few months I think! My mum suggested I go to the pharmacy and I said “what about Harry?!” and she just said “Yeah, unfortunately that’s difficult. Where’s my card? I think I saw Harry playing with it…” and she went off looking for it 🙁 Then she went out to an exercise class. I finally got Harry to sleep and went to the pharmacy. I used the medication then read on the box you shouldn’t use it if you have had more than two cases of thrush within six months. Oops 🙁 I have a doctors appointment on Thursday so I’ll ask then.
Whenever I ask my mum to help with Harry she always gets annoyed and lists all the things she wants to do…she does help me but then I feel terrible about her helping me because I know I’m stopping her from doing something else, because she’s just listed it to me 🙁 My dad usually refuses to help me by saying the “you’re a single mum now” thing. Am I crazy to be upset about all this? My mum does help me but she makes it clear how much of an inconvenience it will cause for her to help me. I guess the problem is I’m looking for help from people who are my parents, they are supposed to help but they can’t…they’ve both been ill with serious illnesses. But they’re the only people I have directly around me.
They’ve never been the emotional support kind of people, my dad says I’m too old…but come to think of it he’s stated that I’m too old for that since I was 12. He’s made me think all this time it’s wrong to want comfort or a hug or anything like that. I feel like a bad person because maybe it’s wrong now at the age of 28. When I felt suicidal not too long ago I texted my sister about it but she just said “You can’t because you have Harry.” She’s right but she didn’t phone, she didn’t seem worried. At the time I didn’t think much of it because I was in such a state, I didn’t ask, I just texted her to say never mind I’m ok, I’m sure I’ll feel better…which I did but now I look back on it and think hmmm 🙁
I’m just an attention seeker probably. Teachers always used to call me that when I was in school. I just feel bad about myself now because I often feel I need comfort but my dad gets angry and says I’m too old. Urgh I just feel yucky. My dad just isn’t well, I should know that by now. But with my mum and dad ill and I’m still ill and I have to look after Harry I feel so alone.