Ahh no :(

I feel a bit rubbish again. As you know things aren’t going too well with Harry’s father and his mother…actually when we went to their house not too long ago it was ok, but Wills’ mum was again asking for Harry for a few hours on his own. She’s trying so hard for me not to be there it makes me well nervous and uneasy. Why is she so against the mother of her grandson being present when I take Harry to visit them, he’s still not even 18 months old yet which means I’ve known Will’s family barely that amount of time either. She told my mum she didn’t want me to breastfeed anymore, because obviously it’s a ‘tie’ Harry has to me that’s preventing her from having Harry all to herself without me there. My mum told me afterwards that she’d said “…and this breastfeeding! What if she had to go back to work?!” Thing is I don’t so there’s no point even saying that. She herself told me she cries every night about not being able to have Harry alone…but I was thinking, if it was unsuitable for Harry I wouldn’t hand him over just so she doesn’t have to cry every night, I consider Harry first. She’s even saying now that me being present when I take Harry to visit them is becoming psychologically damaging to Will because he needs to have Harry alone without me. Same again, if it’s unsuitable for Harry then Will would have to carry on being ‘psychologically damaged’ that’s none of my concern or a reason to just let Harry go off with them for hours, I do what’s best for Harry and myself only 🙁 I’m sick of being manipulated and guilt tripped. Will and his mum have been at this since Harry was only a few weeks old, I’d obviously say no that they couldn’t take Harry on his own and his mum cornered me and was all like “Don’t you trust me?!” and at the time I’d only known her as old as Harry was at the time which was just a few weeks and I was like I haven’t known you long enough to trust you. It only stopped when Harry’s social worker went to see Wills’ family and told them they had to back off. Then when Harry was three months old my mum was diagnosed with cancer and obviously they didn’t see Harry much at all because of all that happened with my mum.

It was when Harry turned one that Will’s mum began hassling me again. When I took Harry to visit them the weekend before last she was the one asking me to let them have Harry on their own for three hours and was saying it was all becoming psychologically damaging for Will…thing is Will was only there ten minutes before he went off with his dad to a football match, leaving Harry and me with his mum. It can’t be that psychologically damaging if he sees his son ten minutes then is willing to go to a football match?! And it should be him asking me for Harry alone, not his mum. Around Harry’s first birthday and I said no to them having Harry without me she was saying that she’d given me a year to be a mum and time for my mum to be ill so now it was ‘time’ for Harry to be with them without me. She was saying that she’d tried being friends with both my mum and dad as if to say that was such an ordeal for her so now she’s ‘earned’ Harry on his own. I was thinking you HAD to give me a year because a bloody social worker told you to back off, that you were being far too demanding and pushy with me. When I told her no still back in June she was saying “ok, so shall we talk to your mental health team?” and I was thinking, you can’t do that anyway as they were my mental health team and have nothing to do with this…I told her they had just discharged me which was true so she was like “ok, we’ll talk to Harry’s social worker” and I was like they’ve discharged Harry too, they don’t see the point of their involvement as Harry is doing so well.

Urgh. So anyway we had to cancel a visit to their house with Harry last weekend as it was when Harry was getting ill with his nappy rash wound and he was screaming with pain and I was trying to let him be without the nappy. Instead I said Will could come up any evening after his work to see Harry. I said him not his mum but anyway I also said he could ring me, I gave two numbers he could ring. He didn’t ring instead he sent a text to my mum this evening saying “we are on our way.” My mum came rushing up to my room livid and asking me if Will had told me he was coming up today with his mum. I said no because he hadn’t and my mum was extremely upset. I think the whole thing made her more upset than usual anyway because her work is stressing her out and she’s trying to go back part time. She was quite cross she was like “It’s just common courtesy to tell someone at least a day in advance that they were planning to visit, they must have known yesterday they were going to visit today, you don’t just say you’re on your way all of a sudden with no other warning, that’s just a complete lack of respect for someone’s family and home.” Harry was having his nap anyway and my mum was just about to cook dinner. She went back downstairs and I could hear her talking angrily to my father about it all. So I called Will and said my mum was quite upset because she likes people to tell her if they’re going to visit, Harry was asleep anyway and my mum was cooking dinner so could he come tomorrow? He was getting upset and didn’t believe me. As him and his mum were in the car they lost signal so he rang me back on the house phone and I answered…but then my mum picked up on another handset and began talking to me thinking it was me that had called lol.  I was like “I’m talking to Will…” she didn’t realise he was listening. Will began talking to her so obviously then she told Will it really wasn’t a convenient time and she sounded quite angry and sharp. Will apologised and said they’d come Thursday and my mum agreed. She’s really angry still, she was saying this was becoming out of control and causing everyone great upset. I’m worried now because when she gets like this she’s not afraid to say what she thinks. Almost like me in a way but I take it way too far.

I’ve been feeling really bad about the whole thing. I know I’m the mum and what I say goes when it comes to Harry as he’s still only little but I’m struggling with this manipulating, guilt tripping behaviour going on just because Will and his family don’t want me to be there when I take Harry to visit them, why?! The mother of a child is kind of important I thought 🙁 And it’s just upsetting how I’m being hassled so much for Harry on his own when the first thing Will ever hassled me about when it was clear I was pregnant was an abortion. He’d text me at 1am saying it was the best thing to do! He’d text me all the time asking have you thought about it yet?? I was so upset. Eventually I was like no go to hell I’m not having an abortion and Will was so angry at me. He didn’t speak to me properly for days. And now him and his mum are hassling me into giving up Harry all the time 🙁

  1. I care greatly about my son, I love him!
  2. People tend to confide in me about really troubling things (could kind of be a bad  thing but I think it’s good when someone feels they can trust you.)

4 thoughts on “Ahh no :(”

  1. Yay!!! You wrote two things. You are doing great!

    On the subject of your darling little man, I’m curious though. When will you feel comfortable with the idea of Harry spending time at his dad’s house without you? Is there a compromise to be had? Like maybe you bring him over, spend an hour getting him settled in, and them let them have an hour with him to themselves. What is it about their requests that make you uncomfortable? Do you trust Will’s family?

    Here in the States what would happen is that dad would file a request for visitation within our court system. If there is a reason for concern leaving the child in the father’s care they will either grant supervised visitation with a “moderator” or they will make a schedule that requires the child to spend specific days with the father. Our court system here places value in both the roles father and mother play in a child’s life and proceed with what’s in the best interest of the child.

    This is all just something to think about as precious Harry gets older. You are his mum. You love him dearly and you know what’s best for him. I don’t know Will or his family so it’s hard as an outsider to understand any underlying issues there might be.

    I hope your little guy is feeling better. He’s so cute looking and you dress him in the cutest outfits!

  2. I don’t really know Wills’ family either…Will didn’t tell them I was pregnant until I was eight months pregnant and I’d never met them before then either. So no I guess I don’t trust them because they’re still al strangers to me. Obviously when my mum got ill months would pass without me and Harry seeing them because of her illness (my dad is really ill too) it was just a really difficult time. And I don’t like how Wills mum doesn’t believe parents should get on, she wants it all separated so either family has as little to do with each other as possible and I don’t think that’s right for Harry. She obviously doesn’t want me or my parents around at all and she doesn’t want me to breastfeed anymore which she has no right to say! I don’t like how she wants me to quit breastfeeding so it’s easier for them to keep him longer you know? I question whether she really has Harry’s interests at heart at all 🙁
    I was going to start off with doing what you say, take Harry there and leave him for an hour and see how he is, but they want to pick him up and have him three hours and take him back themselves, I’d prefer to take Harry there and leave him an hour and see how he is and build it up from there.
    They don’t know Harry at all either, he doesn’t know them very well, and there have been instances in the past when I left Harry with Will and Harry just screamed and screamed until he choked and scratched his face raw! 🙁

    In the future I hope to leave Harry with them for like weekends and things, but obviously I’d feel much better when he has a much more stable feeding and sleeping pattern and doesn’t feed from me so much. He only naps if he feeds from me.

  3. If that’s the case, your concerns are totally understandable. When some one wants your child, but shuts you out of the environment you can not help but feel like something isn’t right. She’s not quite seeing what is in Harry’s best interest and that’s a smooth transition.

    The whole trying to tell not to breast feed thing is incredibly selfish. Why does she want to deny Harry the best nutrition possible and break your bond with Harry? You’re his mom. Your bond will always be the strongest. She should know and respect that, after all she’s a mum herself.

    I don’t blame you for being weary.

  4. It does make me feel uneasy I think ‘why are you so desperate, what on earth are you planning to do that means I can’t be around at all?’ lol 🙁 Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, I do appreciate it. I’m sure it’ll all work itself out in the end, in no time Harry will be old enough to spend lots of time with them without me being there all the time, they certainly don’t stay so little for long 😮

Leave a Reply