I’ve had an exhausting time with Harry! Mum is currently working part time so she left this morning and didn’t come back till 2:30pm. My dad was up early fixing the bathroom because a damp patch has appeared in the kitchen ceiling which is exactly underneath the bathroom. I think there’s a hole causing water to leak. My dad was shut in the bathroom, then he went to bed. I was left on my own with Harry so it was quite frantic and Harry cried a lot! My dad still hasn’t done the stair gate so I have to shut Harry in the living room sometimes if I want to use the toilet upstairs or he’s had a dirty nappy and I have to go up to set out his things to change his nappy. He ended up having three dirty nappies in the space of two or three hours 🙁 So I guess that means he’s going through another wave of teething 🙁 Whenever he’s teething he can have up to four dirty nappies a day! I’m not sure why but it seems to be true! I have been using the special nappy rash ointment on his nappy rash wound/sore and it was getting better…but now after having three dirty nappies in the space of just a few hours, the wound began to bleed a bit by the third nappy change 🙁 Each nappy change was honestly like a wrestling match. Harry just doesn’t want to lie on the changing mat not even for a second. He doesn’t care if he has a dirty nappy, he’d prefer to stay dirty than be changed. The whole time I have to kind of hold him down with my elbow 🙁 He attempts to completely flip over and he’s hanging in the air with only his head on the changing mat whilst I’m desperately holding onto his feet as tightly as I can. He usually can get one foot free so he’s usually hanging there with me desperately holding onto one foot. I try to give him something to play with and he bashes it out of my hands or takes it and throws it to the floor 🙁 If I un flip him and put him back on the mat, he arches his back and screams 🙁 I feel like I’m doing a terrible job as a mum because everything with him is a struggle and a battle.
Harry’s currently having his nap but he’ll be awake soon. I’m not doing too badly today, so that’s good 🙂
Below is a poem I wrote for an online friend I had who lived in New York but I got an e-mail from her brother who’d found our e-mail correspondence. He was kind enough to e-mail me saying that Jodi had ended her own life but that she really confided in me more than anyone else and thanked me for being a real friend to her. I wrote this poem in 2013 to mark three years since she died, she died in 2010 aged 21.
The last note played in a minor key
The ending of a song,
The ending of a story
Maybe the ending of a beautiful life,
The gentle closing of weepy eyes
The release of pain,
The constant circles of suffering become peaceful halos
White crystals and soft opalescent feathers,
Something that must happen to all of us in the end…
Tears shed in love
Memories turning into gold
Forever shining in the light of those who live on,
And we wait, as we all slowly become
A complete starlit sky together-
Never forgotten and shining forever.
I tried to make this poem kind of positive, to say that Jodi was in agony in life so death means the end of her suffering, that she finally is experiencing peace and that everyone must pass on so we’ll all be together again in the end.