I had to take some Zzzquil last night because I was all amped up for some reason.  I had just done 6 days straight of work and for half of those days I had been having some major panic attacks.  Not sure from what, or maybe they were withdrawls from my regular meds that my doctors are reluctant to give me until I see them in November.  Luckily this girl at my work had some extras so that should tide me over until then.  So other than work being complete hell, the rest of my life has been boring.  I was supposed to go to dinner with Gregory tonight but he always took a day to respond to my texts which isn’t like him at all.  So with me being quick to hold a grudge and a hot temper, I cancelled on him (to which he responded right away!) so that pissed me off even more.  Then Brandon (which I’m going to call him) I haven’t heard from in a few weeks randomly texted me last night and I find out he lives in Seattle now!  So I’m basically never going to see him or get my chance for my “redemption.”  Then my friend El keeps trying to get me to go out and while it is fun, I know he has a crush on me and it makes it weird to go out with him.  Ugh.  All this crap has been making me do some bad things.  I can’t say what it is on here, but it’s just something risky that gives me that much needed rush I’ve been craving that I can’t get otherwise because nothing is seeming to fall into place in other aspects of my life.  Also, I’m depressed because this is October, my absolute Favorite month of the year because I love Halloween and all the haunted houses, and pumpkin patches that come with it, and I haven’t been able to do shit this year.  I just feel dead inside…and while that’s up there with that Halloween theme I love so much, it’s not exactly the feeling I wanted.  I’ve been working out more than I used to which is good but I thought exercising was supposed to be a great form of antidepressant but I’ve felt nothing but worse since I started.  A couple people have said I looked skinnier so I guess it hasn’t all been for nothing.  Either way I plan on going to the gym today and then I have my stupid class later and then my boyfriend is going to come over and tomorrow we’re going to run errands and workout again.  Hopefully these two days off will recharge my batteries because I just feel like I’m in a funk and I keep trying to claw my way out of it and I feel like I’m getting nowhere and it’s exhausting and I’m almost ready to give up.  

One thought on “Zzzquil”

  1. Hey, you sound like you’ve got a of anxiety and tension there. And with the who gym thing it might make you feel worst before it starts to make you feel better. Hang in there!

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