I have some love back in my life. However the timing could not be more terrible. I was recently laid off, and have been job searching in places of the world I have always felt like living. My millennial wanderlust is extremely hard to ignore.
Besides him, and some family I love, Denver holds nothing but pain for me. Deep despair of twisted painful scents almost everywhere I go. That is why I am a homebody here. Home is my place, I make myself happy here. No one is around to hurt me, there is no lingering spiritual or physical reminder of my lowest points of my life. Times where I have cut myself open, let the scorn of others seep in through the wounds. The physical reminders I gave myself will forever be present when I look at my hopeful hands. I have had too much hurt, and hurt my own self too much for being 28 years old.
Somehow through the black fog of my adult existence I have contentment. I have accepted my past, my pain, and all the memories that have led me up to being who I am so far.
I have found someone who loves me. Someone who is a good man. A good person. Someone who has had his faults with me, but for some reason God tells me I should trust him as a man and the love he possesses for me. He wants to be with me. He wants me to be his forever. And right when I have finally atoned my soul, God gives me a crossroads.
He answered my long time pleas and has offered me a way out. I got laid off, but I feel God gave it to me as a blessing in disguise. I have a couple opportunities with great companies that would be exactly where I want my career to go and places I have pictured myself living and starting over for so long. I am not sure that my love would follow me. He doesn’t possess wanderlust and have the same optimism I do when it comes to exploring life. So the millennium old question has presented itself to me. Do I stay in Denver, where so much pain lingers, for love and possibly a family one day? Or do I follow my dreams and my heart to somewhere I would much rather be?
Here is another thing to keep in mind. Even though I have the chance at a family here, I am still terrified that my past will grip me because it is so close and I wont be a fit mother. I will go off and this man will have to pick up my pieces while also trying to raise our children. My preference is that he would trust me, do what is truly right for my heart mind and well being, and just come with me. But lets face it, that is the stuff of fairy tales and the chances of that happening are pretty slim for me. Fairy tales are not real in our realm, especially mine. God is the closest thing to a fairy tale we can get. So which path do I chose? God send me the spirit of Grandma Willow so I can hold the spinning arrow and see where it points.