I think he has a cell phone hidden somewhere in the house. Obviously I can’t find it…but occasionally I hear a vibration, like a text message alert. He has cheated on me three times, and those are just the ones I know about. Unfortunately, I didn’t find out about any of them until I had married him. I take my vows very seriously…but how hard is this supposed to be? How much of yourself are you expected to compromise and lose? I was looking on Facebook tonight and saw that one of my ex-boyfriends had gotten married this past weekend. He looks SO HAPPY and of course I hated it. I’m so envious that it physically hurts my chest. Not necessarily envious that someone else got HIM, but more of how happy they are…and excited for the future. Like they got married with no secrets. Just true feelings. That was taken away from me. This wasn’t what I dreamt about. Me, still being HERE, in this dark, emotional place after 2 years of “work” with him and on myself. Still pissed the fuck off that someone did that to me, and I didn’t know it. Probably because I did have the true feelings. I married him with those true, hopeful feelings, not knowing that he was texting and calling a different woman on our wedding day. I think that I’m past it most days but man. When I really think about it, I’m not. I never will be. So now I sit here, typing all of my feelings on the computer, to you all in the cyber universe, because I can’t talk to my husband. Listening for a phone vibrating somewhere in the house.