So, i have been having this… “crazy mental state” for about 7 months now.
I call it that cause, well, i have no idea how else to call it xD and i cannot really afford a psychologist… hence “crazy mental state”.
It all started after around 3 months of dating with this sweet sweet guy. It was my first “real boyfriend” that i was actually going steady with and it seemed to be going good for over 1 month xD But, of course, as all things, it was not 100% just the way i liked it, but it’s ok, we are not all perfect, right? The problem is that, since i live separated from anyone, with noooo friends and spend almost over 15 hours a day in my school lab (master’s student here~) all alone, with ZERO company… which basically means that i have over 15 hours a day of zero interruptions for my brain to wander into the worst areas: “what did he mean when he said this? was he being true when he said this other thing? should i do this? should i act this other way? maybe he said this and that because he feels like this and that? oh~ he said this thing, but acted like this, maybe that means this and that???…” and on and on and on and on… add to that the fact that i started taking birth control (without seeing a doctor first, yes, i know, stupid me). So, effing long alone time, crazy thoughts, raging hormones = TIME BOMB.
Eventually, i broke, i-just-broke. He is so sweet with me, he is nothing but his goofy self. He is soooo genuine, will tell you things straight to your face, no shit around lol He acts on some sort of innocence, when he is amused by something, you can really see the child like spark in his eyes haha and when he tells me he loves me, you can really see it in his eyes. When he hugs me at night when it is time for sleeping, i feel so comfy and protected. And he does nothing but trying to make me happy!!! 😀 he buys the food i like to keep them at home for me, he knows the things i like and makes sure we do them, he supports my crazy studying requirements and dreams, he is the one that reminds me how important all of this is.
But, i broke myself mentally with all the questions, to the point where i started questioning if i really loved him or not, and they were THE MOST TERRIBLE MONTHS. I had anxiety attacks, had to take prescripted anti-anxiety medicine, was diagnosed with mild depression, couldn’t control the crying and I JUST COULDN’T STOP THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS about him ㅠㅠ and the reason why i know the thoughts were not “real”? Cause when i was with him, i felt nothing but happy. But that was only on the weekends, which is the only time we can see each other, as we live 3 hours away in different cities. So, at the beginning, the moments i was with him could still overtake the negative thoughts i had in my head, cause, of course, the negative thoughts had not been in my mind for enough time for them to be “heavier” in my mind than what the real moments with him were. So, as time went by, i started to control the anxiety a bit, but the damage the thoughts were doing in me… it was so bad, and i was hurting so much. I was hurting cause it felt like i was HURTING HIM. It felt that with every bad thought, doubt, i was lying to him. It felt horrible, i felt like the worst person in the world and just wanted to ask for forgivness and hoped that he broke up with me cause i thought he didn’t deserve a person like me but i just couldn’t even think of actually breaking it up with him, cause he is my babe, the one i love, the one that supports me, the one that makes the phantoms go away at night. And then, my anxiety made tthat part of the doubts aswell: “what if you are with him just cause you don’t want to be alone? what if you are with him cause there is a part of you that is actually depressed and you didn’t know it until now and now you have become codependent?? what if…??” But i was always happy being by myself! i actually even considered myself a very accomplished person before xD so this didn’t make sense either… i was a strong independent woman! ha! (oh! the cliché!)
Then, absolutely nothing was making sense.
But… the rest, the rest, i will tell it another time. Now, it is time for me to try and study a bit after an amazing weekend with that handsome boyfriend of mine 🙂
Oct. 23. 6:14pm