Boo, is my word that I use to greet people. It makes me appear more happy and upbeat, which in general is my main goal right now in my life. It reminds me of that horrible commercial about depression where the actors use the happy face mask to show everyone they now that they are really ok…when they really aren’t.
I have worked my damnedness to not cry, shout, or claw out peoples faces. I don’ want my family to realize that I am depressed again…yes again. I hate being depressed but sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t want to take pills, my therapist I was working with changed jobs or quit (I’m not sure which), and I currently don’t have any friends worth mentioning that I can sit down face to face and just vent…or hangout. Yep, pretty pathetic.
When I get this depressed, I end up getting paranoid, highly aggressive, and ridiculously emotional. I have been good with working my way through being slightly depressed with techniques that my old therapist taught to me…but those fuckers don’t work and I don’t think they ever did, I just used perseverance to bottle my emotions back up.
So, just FYI, this depression is not due to being or getting out of a relationship…I would probably be better off if it was either of those. I am depressed because the one friend I did have just got out of a horrible emotionally and verbally abusive relationship (THANK YOU JESUS FINALLY) and her old friends are resurfacing and I am not in the bubble of friendship anymore. This may be my imagination or cosmic forces working against me, but I haven’t hung out with her in over 4 months without me forcing (at least it feels like force) myself onto her (not sexually assholes, more like she doesn’t want to hang out at all).
I decided today that if she wants to hangout or talk she can initiate contact and work around my schedule. (Being a little vindictive but I work and live in the opposite direction of hers and she doesn’t work, but I am the only always going out of my way to hang out (remember the force) or even just call her). This decision came about because after almost two weeks with no contact, I made contact and was able to set up a day and time that was good for both of us to hang out a little, with me going over to her place after I was done with work. Lo and Behold, I get a text before I get off work that she is not feeling well and we should reschedule. It took me about ten minutes to finally reply with “Ok. Feel better soon and let me know when you have time.”
I am not sure if that was pissy of me to say to someone not feeling well, but I am tired. I just wanted to hang out a little…or even just call or send a text letting me know that you still think of me.
I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to make and keep friendships by being friendly, initiating conversations with random strangers (which I really enjoy) but I have nothing now that shows the effort I put in. By the by, I am 28 so really should have something to show. I currently only have one close friend who ironically enough lives two time zones away. I am terrified to move near her because I would be leaving my family and there is always the possibility that our friendship will just sputter and die like the rest of my friendships.
Oh, and the failures of my friendships is the leading cause as to why I am not in a relationship with anyone. All I currently want in life is someone who takes the time to realize that I am there and make an effort to remain in contact that isn’t someone I am related too.
At this point, I should probably set up an appointment with a new therapist, because I am not sure journaling is going to fix my issues…lol, I actually feel worse and am crying now.
OK, I am going to end this and hope someone is feeling better than I am right now.