Journaling for therapeutic necessities!!


Boo, is my word that I use to greet people. It makes me appear more happy and upbeat, which in general is my main goal right now in my life. It reminds me of that horrible commercial about depression where the actors use the happy face mask to show everyone they now that they are really ok…when they really aren’t. 

I have worked my damnedness to not cry, shout, or claw out peoples faces. I don’ want my family to realize that I am depressed again…yes again. I hate being depressed but sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t want to take pills, my therapist I was working with changed jobs or quit (I’m not sure which), and I currently don’t have any friends worth mentioning that I can sit down face to face and just vent…or hangout. Yep, pretty pathetic. 

When I get this depressed, I end up getting paranoid, highly aggressive, and ridiculously emotional. I have been good with working my way through being slightly depressed with techniques that my old therapist taught to me…but those fuckers don’t work and I don’t think they ever did, I just used perseverance to bottle my emotions back up. 

So, just FYI, this depression is not due to being or getting out of a relationship…I would probably be better off if it was either of those. I am depressed because the one friend I did have just got out of a horrible emotionally and verbally abusive relationship (THANK YOU JESUS FINALLY) and her old friends are resurfacing and I am not in the bubble of friendship anymore. This may be my imagination or cosmic forces working against me, but I haven’t hung out with her in over 4 months without me forcing (at least it feels like force) myself onto her (not sexually assholes, more like she doesn’t want to hang out at all). 

I decided today that if she wants to hangout or talk she can initiate contact and work around my schedule. (Being a little vindictive but I work and live in the opposite direction of hers and she doesn’t work, but I am the only always going out of my way to hang out (remember the force) or even just call her). This decision came about because after almost two weeks with no contact, I made contact and was able to set up a day and time that was good for both of us to hang out a little, with me going over to her place after I was done with work. Lo and Behold, I get a text before I get off work that she is not feeling well and we should reschedule. It took me about ten minutes to finally reply with “Ok. Feel better soon and let me know when you have time.” 

I am not sure if that was pissy of me to say to someone not feeling well, but I am tired. I just wanted to hang out a little…or even just call or send a text letting me know that you still think of me. 

I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to make and keep friendships by being friendly, initiating conversations with random strangers (which I really enjoy) but I have nothing now that shows the effort I put in. By the by, I am 28 so really should have something to show. I currently only have one close friend who ironically enough lives two time zones away. I am terrified to move near her because I would be leaving my family and there is always the possibility that our friendship will just sputter and die like the rest of my friendships. 

Oh, and the failures of my friendships is the leading cause as to why I am not in a relationship with anyone. All I currently want in life is someone who takes the time to realize that I am there and make an effort to remain in contact that isn’t someone I am related too. 

At this point, I should probably set up an appointment with a new therapist, because I am not sure journaling is going to fix my issues…lol, I actually feel worse and am crying now. 

OK, I am going to end this and hope someone is feeling better than I am right now. 

Christina W.

4 thoughts on “Journaling for therapeutic necessities!!”

  1. Don’t the techinques make you feel like you are faking it somehow?
    Is it some sort of “fake it till you make it”?

    Dunno, just questions that sprung in my mind when you mentioned fighting the depression with certain techniques.

    I feel a lot of the time that i work myself around to make sure to meet other people’s needs as if to make it comfortable for them that we meet, and it gets exhausting emotionally, cause, as you say, it feels like if i am forcing myself onto them. But then, don’t you think sometimes it is just “in our heads”? I mean, it might be that… i don’t know…

    I have felt so many times the way you describe here, i live in a tiny town and have no friends at all. My boyfriend and rest of friends live some hours away from me, and sometimes i feel liek this lives don’t match. Cause when i am here, alone, i feel so sad, and i have to close myself up in order to be strong, but then it is hard to let my boyfriend and anyone else in, and that hurts, cause it feels like those people are getting shoved out of my life without my consent (even if it is myself who is doing it).

    Ah~~~ i am sorry if i am making useless comments <3 but i also really hope that venting through here can help you 🙂 maybe reading some other people's stories and realizing we are not alone on these journies can help, right? 🙂

    Stay strong!

  2. Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate it and the journalling definitely helped a bit. I do want to specify that the techniques that I was taught were coping techniques with the stress and depression, such as meditation, thinking about the situation and…for some god awful reason talking to myself in my head. lol.

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