This weekend, the boyfriend was in my small town 🙂
That amazing, simplistic, child-like-eyed human being that life put in my path to help me learn so many things.
He has no idea how i am torned inside. Cause i try to bring out the best of me whenever he is around, even when all i want to do is to run away from everything, like the coward i am.
And i have the most amazing times with him, but at the same time, there is this suuuper weird feeling when he is around. Like there are things unsaid between us. We always joke around with so many things, but a lot of the time, it feels like the jokes are said more like a way to let out the truth than anything else.
I feel that he is hurt so much by so many things he has said, and that indirects are being thrown around, but at the same time, i know it is all in my head, cause he is not the kind of person to play those games. AT ALL.
So the weirdest thing has been happening to me lately. Every time i drink, even if it is just a bit, like when you start to get tipsy after a couple of beers or even less than that lol i look at him and i just can’t seem to feel “oh yeah, that is my boyfriend”. It just feels like i am talking to a stranger, like him, and the connection i am supposed to have with him, both are not there. So i have tried to just blame it on the alcohol, but i am sober enough to know what i am thinking.
I told him once already, i told him something along the lines of “you know what? 🙂 whenever i am talking like this with you, it feels like it’s the first time we’ve met. Every time.” And he just kind of smiled and said that, well, that is something that i need to fix then.
That was over a month ago (exactly five days after i told him soooo many things that made him tell me to basically get out of his life if i was not sure of what i wanted).
But it happened last weekend. And this weekend too. And i was there, just pretending that i was feeling normal in order to not let me break down again. Cause the moment i start analyzing why i am feeling that weird thing, my anxiety starts and i am down a rabbit hole that just makes me more and more depressed and makes my mind weak enough to let more negative thoughts (back) in.
We went to the hospital that day, cause i started to get a strange pain on my left side (it was nothing big, btw :P). The worry in his eyes, his actions, it was so terrible, and as i was telling him i was ok, hurting a lot, but ok (does that even make sense??), all i could see was his love for me shining out of his eyes.
And i don’t understand WHY when this kind of things happen, instead of making me feel happy (i mean, knowing that he loves me so freaking much, not the fact that i was in pain lol), these things make me feel guilty and it hurts, it hurts so badly that i am doing this to him. But the thing is that i don’t even know how to name “this” that i am doing to him. Or maybe i do…. maybe i have always known. I want to be able to love him, withouth my mind questioning it, without my mind wondering if it really is love, without it putting so many doubts around… i just want to go back to being super happy with him, the way it was before my negative thoughts started. I want to just erase the day that i made all of this happen to me, cause i know it was my fault. Cause that amazing guy has not been anything else but love, support, cheering and shared happiness to me. And i want to be the same for him. I want him to see in my eyes the same things i see in his. Nothing less. But i don’t know why i am not able to go back to that withouth having all these doubts and stupid thoughts in my head.
I am going to sleep now, cause the worst that i can do is staying up thinking all of this. It digs the hole deeper and deeper
Tomorrow will be a happier day, with me being even more thankful for having him and feeling even luckier in life than i ever have. Tomorrow, i will be a person that is satisfied with the good things in life and stop thinking and wishing for “but what if”s that are not happening. Tomorrow, i will learn to see how our cup is half full, not half empty. I will see how our day to day actions are filling our lives with love and understandment, and not the other way around. Today, today i will sleep.