Well this isn’t really my first journal entry. I have at least over 1000+ word document pages recounting several years since I was 16. But this is going to be the first entry that I publish publicly. Not only that, it’s going to be the first journal entry from when I start to realize my mortality.
I’m writing this while listening to very sad music, at night time, in a dimly lit room. The song is: Scala & Kolacny Brother — Creep. Most of the songs I listen to are sad and depressing. For some reason it makes me feel more alive. I’d listen to happy and more energetic music, but those kinds of songs cause me to want to get up and do something. I guess it’s the sad and depressing songs that keep me tethered down in one spot to be able to write or work properly. If I listened to anything else, I’d probably get up.
So I woke up this morning around 9:30 AM. I didn’t want to wake up at 9:30 AM considering the night before I was up until 3–4 AM writing blog posts about death and reading a bit. But I got up nonetheless, my blood pressure and heartbeat escalated so as to force me to stand up and get ready for work. I take a shower before going to sleep and it makes my hair all stylish looking when I wake up in the morning.
Me about to head out to work this morning
Funny how this morning everything felt so present and there. Like, it felt as if “this” was the moment, there was no future, no past. Just “that” moment existed in time. It felt like 12 hours later (approximately the time now) would take forever to arrive. Yet it arrived. As I type this, it feels like “this moment” is the only one there is. Tomorrow feels like an eternity from today. But all too sudden, it arrives.
So I went to work, nothing out of the ordinary. I got into my car, and drove down to Reston to get to work. Again, nothing out of the ordinary. This is something I’ve done for what feels like over a thousand times, though the exact number is around 500, maybe slightly less. I drive to work in my usual routine, I park in the parking lot, then walk over to the workplace. I greet my co-workers, I sit down, and work on the tasks for the day.
There was something special about today though. The night before, I had ordered a few books on death, 3 different books on death actually, because death piqued my interest and still does to this moment. What also caught my eye was a listing on eBay for a signed Helen Keller’s The Story of My Life. The auction would end this morning at 11:54 AM, and right before going to sleep I had taken notes that I wanted to win that auction and win that item.
I’m a huge fan of Helen Keller. I admit I don’t actually know much about her, but I do know from infancy she was both deaf and blind. Yet, despite these difficulties, managed to write books and tackle life much more bravely than people with sight and sound senses. She had this quote which I had left as a signature for one of my forum accounts:
“Life is an adventure or nothing” – Hellen Keller
Ironically I believed in this quote constantly back in high school. But to what reward? What adventures did I go on? Actually, there’s a lot of things I’ve accomplished in high school that people still dream about accomplishing, that people have been working on for years but have never really gotten. I’ve been able to best entire companies of hundreds sometimes even thousands of people just by myself. In what area is that? Web traffic. I don’t want to go too deep into it because that was a long time ago, I definitely don’t hold that esteem now, but I’ve always felt pretty popular on the Internet. For some reason the works I create — make a buzz. Not even to brag, it just happens. I shrug.
Still, though I excelled in that area, I lacked greatly in others. I don’t even want to get into those. But I would say that I didn’t really live a fulfilling any school life. There are many regrets that I have. Lots of things I wish I could’ve done differently. Lots of decisions I would have changed given the same opportunity. I just wish I had known better. That’s why I ordered these books on death. They’re books written by people a lot older than me. I think one of them contains stories from people in their deathbeds and their final moments of life, what lessons they have to teach. So I’m looking forward to getting some insight. We only live once, and then we’re gone forever.
My Work Desk
I sat at work, working. Thinking about 3 things simultaneously, work, that Helen Keller book I had to bid on before the auction ended, and death. 11:54 was marked. 10 minutes prior to that time, my heart beat accelerated rapidly. This was possibly the biggest moment of the entire day. I was restless and energetic, though you couldn’t see it from the way I calmly sat on my chair and how I used the computer nonchalantly. As the time drew near, I placed a bid, and won. I was so happy. There were no other bidders. I won with a single bid placed two minutes before the auction ended.
I also thought about death. And I talked about it with a friend I met online. I have quite a few skype friends that I chat with every now and then, I’ve talked to others about death too, but I decided to just message her today for some reason. She told me she was bored at work, I explained to her how boredom was the worst thing that can happen to you since your life is so short. She went along with it.
I tried to get her to think more about death, but she didn’t really care. I told her how I researched a lot about death this weekend, and really contemplated it a lot. She became worried about me and gave me advice. Sigh, when you’re young you don’t worry at all about death. You’re invincible. I surely felt that way when I was 16. Seriously, I felt pretty invincible at that age. At 23 though, I feel very mortal. She’s 19, she won’t care about death for a while.
Am I just rambling? Anyway, I worked a lot and got a lot done. Around 2 or 3 PM I had lunch with a coworker, we went out to Panera, I didn’t eat anything because I wasn’t hungry. After that, I went back and got to work. I texted my friends to see if they had any plans for Halloween, all of them replied with no. Like, every single one of them had no plans.
I recommended going to George Mason University, a nearby school, because they had parties on campus, at least when I attended. I don’t know what we’re going to do yet. One of them texted me to see if I wanted to go to the gym today, I said sure.
Normally I would pick up my mom at 5 PM, and then head right home afterwards. This time I picked up my mom and she dropped me off back at the workplace, where I waited for my friend to come and we went to the gym together. He later dropped me off. And now I’m home.
Pretty boring story right? Pretty boring day? Well that’s my life, that’s the life of a 9-5 worker. There’s nothing really exciting or interesting that happens. It’s the same old same old thing, day in, day out. Day in, day out. There’s slight differences between each day, I might talk to someone I haven’t talked to in a while, there might be an event that takes place, but they’re all closely associated so it doesn’t feel like there’s anything different happening at all.
I’m going to walk around outside before I head to bed. Even though I already went to the gym for an hour and got a lot in, I still feel a need to walk around more. That’s it for today.