I made it through another Monday. I watched a Ted Talk – Mel Robbins- she was very inspirational- yesterday. She said to set your alarm 30 minutes earlier and get out of bed when it goes off. I set mine 15 minutes earlier and I did get up. I had time to go to the post office before school this morning. I think tomorrow since I am going to the pd day and don’t have to be there until 8:30, I can walk John- maybe not our whole route, but part of it. Mel Robbins said not to wait until you FEEL like it- you will never feel like it. FORCE yourself and just do it. She said when you are an adult, you have to parent yourself and make yourself do the stuff you don’t want to do. I have always parented myself. I’m not sure how I managed to turn out as well as I did. All the perfectionist bullshit trying to get people to love me or like me. I know now I shouldn’t have to work hard to try to get my mother to love me. I sure spent a lot of years of effort trying, though. I’m pretty sure any kid with a shitty mother doesn’t have much of a chance to make it in this world. I think I’ve beaten the odds- did well in school, graduated from college, have had a good, steady job for the last 21 years. Way better than most. I know I have a shit ton of problems, but hey, I’m alive and I’m not an addict and I can take care of myself. That’s something.
I love my school kids so much. It will be heart wrenching to leave them to move away. but, I have NO LIFE. I have nothing here but school. I do nothing but work. I don’t have any hope of building a social life here, either. I have tried and tried to do the bullshit internet dating stuff and it just doesn’t work for me. I have been on a bazillion first dates and they are always awkward, miserable, and terrible. I am always just relieved when they are over. I just don’t fit in here. I don’t go anywhere to meet people and I don’t want to spend my time and energy trying to contrive places to go to meet people. Ain’t nobody got time for that.