Another Monday Down

I made it through another Monday. I watched a Ted Talk – Mel Robbins- she was very inspirational- yesterday. She said to set your alarm 30 minutes earlier and get out of bed when it goes off. I set mine 15 minutes earlier and I did get up. I had time to go to the post office before school this morning. I think tomorrow since I am going to the pd day and don’t have to be there until 8:30, I can walk John- maybe not our whole route, but part of it. Mel Robbins said not to wait until you FEEL like it- you will never feel like it. FORCE yourself and just do it. She said when you are an adult, you have to parent yourself and make yourself do the stuff you don’t want to do. I have always parented myself. I’m not sure how I managed to turn out as well as I did. All the perfectionist bullshit trying to get people to love me or like me. I know now I shouldn’t have to work hard to try to get my mother to love me. I sure spent a lot of years of effort trying, though. I’m pretty sure any kid with a shitty mother doesn’t have much of a chance to make it in this world. I think I’ve beaten the odds- did well in school, graduated from college, have had a good, steady job for the last 21 years. Way better than most. I know I have a shit ton of problems, but hey, I’m alive and I’m not an addict and I can take care of myself. That’s something. 

I love my school kids so much. It will be heart wrenching to leave them to move away. but, I have NO LIFE. I have nothing here but school. I do nothing but work. I don’t have any hope of building a social life here, either. I have tried and tried to do the bullshit internet dating stuff and it just doesn’t work for me. I have been on a bazillion first dates and they are always awkward, miserable, and terrible. I am always just relieved when they are over. I just don’t fit in here. I don’t go anywhere to meet people and I don’t want to spend my time and energy trying to contrive places to go to meet people. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

2 thoughts on “Another Monday Down”

  1. Most people on those dating sites are looking for cheap thrills & easy sex. < That is what I see & hear atleast. You deserve far better than that!!! You deserve love and friendship, the real deal.

    From your first post up til now, I am able to see such strong, emotional growth in you. What a long way you've come. You know what you want and you are not scared to do what it takes to get that. You are an amazing, inspiring person!

  2. Thank you so much for commenting. I really, really appreciate it. I have had the worst year of my life in 2016. I have been near suicidal. I have had to fight so hard to stay in the game. I hurt so bad and I just didn’t see any way that it would ever be better. I just keep telling myself that if my husband doesn’t want me, clearly he is a special kind of stupid. I am beautiful, I am smart, I am a hard worker, I have a great job, I have a strong retirement, and most importantly I am the mother of the only child he will ever have, and he won’t even give me a chance??? His loss. His loss.

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