The last year of my life has been one of the hardest i have ever lived. I have travelled some of the darkest deepest paths within myself and burst out the other side fighting strong and hard. I am at a good place despite all the bulshit that life has thrown at me. Yes to an outside eye perhaps not much has changed but i know how wrong they are. I know that those little steps we take to better ourselves and to prepare ourselves for battle in the world are probably the hardest ones we will ever take. This is my journey and mine alone and after a very long time I’m good with that fact 🙂
Now one of the things that has kept me sane through this year is walking. I love natural environments and being surrounded by mother nature is one of my deepest loves. There is a park i go to often that is everything i need to reconnect to the earth and ground myself back to the current moment.
In the summer i spent time in the park, sat barefoot on my blanket with my eyes closed in meditation and practicing mindfulness. I love how the seasons have changed before my eyes from summer with its bright blooms and warm glowing sunshine to Autumn/Winter where the leaves have become beautifully orange and red. This morning the leaves crunched beneath my boots as i walked, inhaling the crisp cold air and loving how it refreshed and rejuvenated my lungs and body.
This park is particularly special to me as i have been going there for over ten years with my ex partner, we have some of our earliest memories there. But now it has become my special place to get away. The natural habitat there is amazing. The lake has many swans and ducks, i have seen many cygnets (baby swans) and ducklings born here, they are the most adorable little things you could ever imagine.
What is even more amazing is that in the last few years there has been a migration of beautiful green parakeets. I used to own a connure so i recognise the sounds they make. When i first spotted them i was amazed that they are able to adapt to a much colder British climate in comparison to their natural habitat which is the outbacks of Australia i think. Since i first saw them they have grown hugely in numbers and are basically the life and soul of the park now. I feel that every time i go there they fly around the trees that i pass calling greetings at me; i like to think that perhaps they recognise me :). It brings me real joy to see them free and happy, flourishing the way a bird should be. Although i owned Chico (a green cheek connure) for around a year i think one of the reasons i found it so hard is that as i got to know his lovely personality it struck me as quite a tragedy that he was caged most of the time. No bird should be caged; they are made to fly free and beautiful the way god intended.
I’m so glad i wrote this post although when i started i had other thoughts in the forefront of my mind. Writing about this place has made me recognise my love for it. However, going back to my subject title, now that it has started to get cold, the park is less populated, and today it was almost deserted. Dont get me wrong, I love the privacy of this park; it’s such an amazing space. But today i found myself wondering if i was safe there alone. Am i crazy? I think I’m just being paranoid but the truth is in the past winters I’ve always had my ex by my side on these long walks. The park is connected directly to one of the biggest forests on my side of London, so a walk can literally be as long as you want it to be. Today i felt slightly uneasy and i didn’t like the feeling? Has anybody else felt like this when walking out alone in a natural environment like a forest? I love it too much to let it get the better of me. I keep telling myself i need to hold onto my confidence and fire. I’m not scared, why should i be? Right?
When i was younger i was a real daredevil, i literally had no sense of personal safety and i was absolutely fine doing the crazy things I’ve done. But over the years maybe my ex and his over the top cautiousness (one of the things i hated about him) finally rubbed off on me, i resent that! That’s not me! I’m brave and fearless! I’m not scared to live for god’s sake! I’m not exactly jumping off a cliff am i! But still a part of me (really super annoyingly) is more aware than my younger self that the world is not always a nice place. I need to stop being ridiculous! Right?