day after my birthday

My husband treats me like shit. Every chance he gets to make me feel so bad about myself. He says the foulest things to me and expect me to just take it. He threw me out the day before my birthday. Told me to pack up my shit and leave. I didnt have any money, I dont have any friends. Im alone. besides my kid im alone. no family to come save me, not a friend to see how i am doing or check up on me. my husband has been watching alot of shows on how to get away with murder, and i feel like one day he is gonna kill me. Secretly he doesnt want me to leave because controllers dont want you to get away and experience freedom. My husband is very insecure to the point that I cant have an opinion on anything. He yells at me for no reason, I cannot question him at all. Its like the end of the world if i do. Im very miserable and one day i am going to commit suicide. i dont know when but i am hitting my breaking point now. With zero friends to help, I cannot get away. I left the night before my birthday and this dickhead follows me. He doesnt  let me go, i just want himt to set me free. I had my chances to leave but i always come back. im really tired of this to the point that i dont even love my son anymore. my son treats me the same way his father do. i hate it and i cannot change it. ive never regretted anything before but i regret meeting this man. Now im back here. My birthday comes and hes all nice and sweet, saying Ive got a surprise for you and takes me shopping.. very late because he took me to do my nails, Which by none of his fault came out like ugly and they took 2 hours to do. I only get 3 shirts and a bag of candy while he decided to bounce from store to store and when im ready to leave he gets upset, like hello i have spent most if time looking at all these damn ugly clothes that im not buying instead of doing something i really wanted to do like go to bayside ( a place in downtown miami) like i told him i wanted to do, but noooooo he is always only thinking of himself. So all while My son Alex is screaming through every fucking store getting on my dammn nerves. I did not have fun at all. im truly gonna say. I didnt not enjoy myself. I feel like he does this to me purpose. He does not want to see me happy. i guess its payback for never doing anything on his birthday but he choose sleep and be depressed on his birthdays and holidays. thats not me! i like to celebrate and go out its him that doesnt want anyone to see this caged butterfly. all i ever think of about is ways on how to kill myself. he doesnt even know that i sometimes contemplate on rolling out of the car when we are on the highway, or accidentenly cutting my writs while cooking.. im always thinking of ways to disappear

2 thoughts on “day after my birthday”

  1. Caged Butterfly is a very strong metaphor that really lets us know how you feel about your life. You are someone beautiful and free, but your husband keeps you in a cage of his making. I think it is important that you look at ways to rise above your situation so that you are free INSIDE, no matter what happens outside. You honestly need to do this instead of considering suicide, dear girl. Suicide will not set you free. It is just another cage. Please put it out of your mind. Try to be at peace with your husband; don’t expect more from him than he can give (which isn’t much it seems)—look for your happiness inside your own heart. Find the love that is there. Follow the pain you are feeling until you reach the love that is alive and well deep in your soul. Your son needs your love very much. He is acting out because he feels the tension in the family. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and need you. How old is he? Love him whether he seems to love you back or not. Make your life an adventure in love! How much can you love? A lot. Your pain is a measure of your love and longing. Re-discover God, because He is the only one who will love you forever and truly cares about you, every detail of your life. He is loving you right now. Give Him a chance to lift you out of the abyss. I know it is not easy, but I believe you can do it—i.e. choose to make yourself a source of light and love. I will pray for you, Butterfly. Hugs.

  2. Suicide isn’t the answer. It’s never going to be the answer. And it’s not an escape either. It doesn’t erase the pain, it just passes it along to someone else. You’re better then your problems. You can do this. Stay strong as ever, love.

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