Entry 3

It’s happening again. I really can’t change. I’ve really messed up this time. My account is currently on hold because I owe the university about $3,000 and I can’t seem to get a loan approved without a cosigner. I took out one for $8,000, thinking that was the original amount and emailed my mother to cosign it. She called me freaking out, said that if I would owe this much each year then I might as well consider something else for next year, I might not be able to return to the university. 

I honestly am not sure if I want to come back here, but it’s not like it’s the universities fault that I’m so irresponsible. I let it slip up that I’ve been skipping some of my classes, and I told my mom everything because I’d though maybe this time she would be cool about it, I mean, it’s enough that I know I fucked up anyway. But no, she goes and blabs to Dad about my mistakes, and he got mad at me too. Once again I sit here and remind myself why I don’t tell her certain things anymore, which ironically, she’s mad I waited this long to tell her. 

I’m frantically calling and emailing all sorts of people to see if I can lift the hold on my account that’s preventing me from withdrawing from any classes. My academic adviser seems like a useless bloat, and my financial aid may or may not be gone at this point. My other grades look awful but I’m hoping I can raise them up. I thought about doing nothing but work and not having any sort of social life to compensate for it, but I know my family won’t be happy because they keep asking about my social life. Their never really satisfied when it comes to school. 

I’m starting to think it’s more trouble than it’s worth, but I can’t go back now. This has reminded me why I’m at college: not what I can do but what I can’t do. I can’t go back home a failure, and end up at community college or just working. I can’t start trying to live on my own and paying off the college debt I have now. But college seems just as pointless since I don’t have an undying life calling or passions I can pursue. 

I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered suicide. I keep telling myself that I should see the counseling center, but I have to make an appointment for it, which just makes me put it off longer. I seriously thought about it though, but I couldn’t think of how I would do it, and how much it would hurt. I thought about how hurt my best friend would be, and my mom, and dad, and Kaede. But dad mentioned how mom now thinks I’m sitting on my ass all day here doing nothing, and it makes me wonder what difference it would make if I was alive or not, it’s not really like I’m doing something important anyways. 

I’ve been on campus for about sixteen(?) weeks now and I’ve cried a total of four times. Three times in this past week. Once was really bad, like I was bawling and breaking down. I was really loud and I hugged my best friend and let a lot out. Dad says he knows I can do this, because I’m smart.  Not just because he’s my dad, but because I’m actually smart. He said he could see it in the way I talk, and think, and write. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard that before, Amber told me, Grandma told me, mom told me. I wanted to tell him that sure I was smart, everyone was smart, but I just wasn’t the kind of smart that did well in school. 

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