A letter to my ex that i’ll never send

Its been 7 months now since we broke up and I thought I was over you but you’ve been on my mind a lot lately these past few days. I hurt so much right now. I loved you so much and what hurts the most is that you said you didn’t know what you wanted and we were moving to fast and then you go and get a new girlfriend. A girl that you work with and who was going through a divorce and you would always talk about. I never thought much about it because I loved you and you said you loved me and I trusted you. Now I wonder if I even should have…..

when you broke up with me you said that I changed, and I now realize I did change. I lost myself when I was with you. I was so wrapped up in our relationship that I stopped doing things that made me happy and feel good. I also never really talked about how I suffer from depression. I know I mentioned it once to you and how in high school I was hospitalized because I tried to hurt myself. this topic wasn’t something that I liked to talk about but I did have some days where when I was with you I was having a hard time with it. I would always try to just smile through it and be silly. I never really new how to talk to you about it, I was so scared that it would be a burden to you and you wouldn’t love me anymore….

there were also a couple of things that you did that hurt me and made me sad. in the beginning of our relationship I knew you were a sarcastic guy and you always gave me a hard time and I loved that about you, we always joked with each other. Also you always talked about other girls and at first I would just rolled my eyes and say whatever babe but then it started to get to me. it started to mess with my confidence and self-esteem. you said that the sex changed in our relationship, that in the beginning I always wanted it and would always jump you for it. and I did! I loved you and I felt that we had such an amazing connection and that made the sex that more amazing. but then with you talking about all these other girls I started to lose that confidence I had. I felt like I wasn’t sexy enough for you and I felt self-conscious when it came to sex.

you were also a pretty negative person. you would get irritated or mad at the littlest things. sometimes I felt like I was bugging you. I always tried to be positive and happy for you because I wanted you to be happy. I have depression and I am aware of it so I always try to see the bright side of things. you’re negativity kind of brought me down at times. you were also always so moody with your family and I get it, you come from a small family and you didn’t get along with your mom and I saw that. I saw how upset you would get and how frustrated you get and I wanted to help you, I wanted you to be happy. I come from a big loving family, I had all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I brought you into my family and that was big deal for me. they all loved you like you were part of our family. I wanted you to have that loving family experience that you said you don’t get with yours.

I wish I would have communicated all this to you. But I was so afraid to talk to you about this stuff because you would always have a response of “well you don’t have to be with me” and that would hurt me so much because I did want to be with you. I loved you! I knew the type of person that you were. I knew that you were an amazing man deep down inside. you said when you broke up with me that I had you on this pedal stool and I did. I believed in you! you were always so hard on yourself when you didn’t have a job, when you were looking for a job and when you found a job and you didn’t like it. I remember you calling yourself a loser and that would hurt me because when I looked at you I didn’t see a loser. I saw the most amazing man in my life and I was so proud to call you my boyfriend and I was so proud to love you!

you must think I’m so pathetic to be writing this but I’ll probably never send this to you. you’ve obviously moved on and that hurts so much. it feels like what we had didn’t mean anything. I just want to know…..why? Why did you leave me? why did you stop loving me? why did you fall out of love with me? I feel like you turned to someone else to talk to instead of to me when were going through a rut. I feel like if you truly loved me deep down that you would have wanted our relationship to work. maybe I just answered my question…..maybe you didn’t love as much as I loved you.

I wanted our relationship to work, I wanted us to work on it. but you said if we are having problems now then what would the future be like….you said we would end up divorced if we got married like we talked about. But we weren’t even having big problems! we never fought, we never argued, and we never yelled at each other. I feel like our only problem was communication and I now realize that. I feel like just needed a break to re-evaluate everything and then come back to each other but you just got up and moved on like what we had didn’t mean anything and wasn’t worth fighting for. I was willing to fight for us! I wanted to fight for us! Relationships aren’t easy and they’ll never be easy, you’re always going to have to work on them and I don’t think you got that part. The 1st year was the honeymoon stage and it was amazing and fun but after that that’s when the real work starts. and even after the 1st year we still had some amazing times. we were together for 2 years and I felt that what we had was something special and amazing. I wanted a life with you. I wanted a family with you. I wanted love with you.

Despite all the hurt and sadness you have given me this past year you’ll always be my 1st love, you’ll always be the 1st man I gave my heart to and the 1st one to break it.

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