What the hell have I done to my life?

Somewhere I got lost. You couldn’t make this shit up if you wanted to. I have been through and seen so much in my lifetime that the average person couldn’t handle. And it’s not anything I am proud of. There is going to be a movie about me one day, but some of the details will have to surface after die. It would be to much for me to handle to know that others knew how much of a fuck up I am. I want to be known for the good I do instead of the bad that I did. Maybe it wasn’t bad though, maybe it is just life, and life happens to all of us. 

I am 32 years old, a mother of two, I live with my mom, I have can’t finish my college education because I ran out of student funding. WHAT NOW? The apartment we live in is so small and there is absolutely no privacy anywhere. I don’t know what it is like to sleep a bed. One of my kids sleep in a recliner, and the other one sleeps in the room with my mom and my little cousin (well he isn’t so little anymore, Michael is 19) took over my room. None of us works, my mom takes care of my dad which is considered to be a 100% disabled veteran, even though he never fought in a war. My ex- psycho boyfriend use to have an apartment right across the parking lot-literally in the same parking lot as where my mom lives. He moved over here to stalk me after I moved out of an apartment we shared together and moved in with my mom. He lived here for a while and we have  been on again off again ever since. He had to move out of the apartment last Friday and right now he is outside pretending like his truck is broken down and he just so happened to break down in by my mothers apartment as he was driving by. Yeah right. It is in the middle of the night and he is outside “fixing” his truck. 

Earlier today he took me to get my son a Halloween costume. Everything was fine until he noticed other males in the store we was in and automatically thinks we got something going on. Keep in mind he is a real psycho. He thinks I know everyone and that I have something going on with everyone. So he proceeds to call me a ‘fat whore’ over and over again. Another thing to keep in mind is that nothing I did ever gave him the right to call me that. I think he needs help. I started walking and eventually got back in the car with him because I knew if I didn’t I would have a ride home. So I got him to drop me off. This happened hours ago and he just conveniently breaks down by my moms. He doesn’t have any business over in this area, it’s not like he knows anyone else in this area.

I try not to think of God, but I think it’s time I started to again. I feel like I am numb of the inside and that I am just going through motions of like without any emotion. I know I can’t do it without God in my life.  

One thought on “DAY 1”

  1. You certainly have a very complicated situation, dear. And you are so right—you can’t keep on without God in your life. He is waiting for your return to His heart; He loves you so much and has missed you. I will pray for you, that you will run into His arms and be safe. Love and hugs. Grace.

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