I hesitated.

It’s kind of funny how in the happiest moments of our life, we forget to write things down. It’s always the complicated or sad things that bring out the chatty side in me.

I wish I had time to keep track of all of the happy moments in my life. Having a journal seems so outdated, but without one, I fear that I’ll never remember everything. Since I last wrote, I feel like there’s almost a hole missing—I’m not even sure what happened in there. But, I know that I was happy.

I wanted to write today because I never get to anymore. I’m always side by side with my boyfriend and keeping busy. Times like these, when he’s out of town and far away, give me extra time to think about things and reflect, when I otherwise wouldn’t have the chance.

The other day, my sister asked me if my boyfriend was “the one.” For the first time in my life, I hesitated. I didn’t know what to say. Anyone who has ever asked me this question, I’ve always known the answer immediately. It was always “yes.” But, I’m not really sure. I don’t know if he’s “the one.” I hesitated.

My hesitation comes from our relationship. We’ve been through a lot together, which has always kept us together. Our relationship hasn’t been easy. I’ve had to support him while he couldn’t pay for tuition to stay in the country, while he couldn’t pay for rent or even food, and so has my family. I’ve been on numerous dates with him and had to pick up the bill for as long as I can remember. I’ve also had to deal with so many friends in college worried that he was taking advantage of me.

At one point in our relationship, I caved. I felt taken advantage of. But, after a long and terrible argument, I didn’t feel taken advantage of at all. I knew I was appreciated and that the things I did for him were incredible things that no one else had ever offered to do. It made our relationship really strong.

However, now that he has a job and a job that will sponsor him to stay in the country, I still don’t feel taken care of. I feel like such a bitch for saying this, because I’m all for equal relationships. I’m all for splitting the bill or paying one night if someone hits me back another. But, I don’t feel taken care of. I don’t feel spoiled, like a girl should sometimes.

I do know that I still get jealous when I see him around other women. I do know that I miss him a little bit when he’s gone. I do know that he makes me feel good and confident. To take him away from the picture, to remove him, I don’t know how I would feel.

But, I do know that I hesitated a few days ago at the thought. The thought of him being “the one.”

I’m not sure if the hesitation was an accident or if I really meant it.

There are things in my life that are certain and things in my life that are uncertain. I wonder if this really isn’t as complicated as I think it is.

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