It Is All About Me….

I have been having my share of issues as of late.

My last appointment at the Endocrinologist was not fun at all. I was crashing while there and the Doc was giving me shit about gaining two pounds! It seemed to go on and on. It was about how I had worked so hard to lose about 50 pounds, that I needed to get my act together. I tried to explain how hard it has been, the celebrations with my Grandson, of dealing with caring for Debbie, of my schedule at work being F.U.B.A.R. since I am working the downtown area and have to work with the other Inspector. He does not pack a lunch and I end up going to get food with him since if I tell him I am eating what I brought he will only go to a convenience store and get like Slim Jim’s and a soft drink and his health is worse than mine! 

Maybe it was the crash coming on that made the appointment feel so much worse, but I am not going back for the next one as it is the first week of January and right after the Holiday’s my diet and blood glucose levels will be fried. I will wait three months after that to return, hopefully my weight down as well as the blood glucose levels.

I have been having a lot more pain in my lower back, I mean a lot more and really bad at times. I have exceeded my daily dosing of 10 mg. of Hydrocodone several times. Today was one of those times, I have taken 17.5 mg of Hydrocodone and am still hurting. I have noticed a loss of strength and flexibility in my legs. I have also had an increase in muscle cramps in my hamstring areas. Also the numb area of my right foot is larger and now my left foot is having the start of numbness and my left toes aches like I have stubbed against something, but I have not.

I have an appointment Monday with a Neurosurgeon to do an assessment if surgery is needed at this point. I hope and pray that he says no. I do not have the leave time or the money to have surgery. I have insurance that I cannot afford to use. I cannot make my deductible.

Plus there is Debbie to care for.

Maybe if he says I have to have surgery we can wait until after the first of the year. I will have Christmas spending behind me, Debbie should be on her feet, I should have enough leave time to cover me till I can qualify for my short term disability. Then my deductible will apply for the rest of the year, giving me a break on co-pays.

Also I am afraid that for any surgery they will want to do a cardiac work up on me and they more than likely will find a heart issue. Sometimes I feel like they pass a patient around like $20 whore, each Doc hitting it for a little bit, getting his part. At my age and health status I am sure they will find something or at least start me on a regimen of medications and visits, something I just don’t want to deal with.

I do not want to be a broke down old man. I do not want to be a suffering old man watching each bite of food, never to enjoy something delicious and decadent. I saw my father do this and often times it seemed that his extended years of life were tormented and not worth it? I know myself, I would just as soon die peacefully in my sleep, than be cut on, prodded, studied and watched. My body currently lets me know my limits, and I work within those parameters. If my back and legs act up, then I stop and stretch. If I get short of wind, well I just slow down.

I would rather have quality, my quality of life, not quantity.

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