Yes, those days again. I feel empty and sad. Of course it has lot to do with my home situation, things are happening when we can’t prevent it. But I still feel left outside, I feel unloved, I feel ignored, I feel I’m giving to others but I don’t get anything in return. Sometimes I wish I just was somewhere else, doing something nice, getting something in return. Even if it was a ticket I had to pay, cause I was driving too fast.
I know hormones are flushing through me, and it’s that week soon. But I sometimes feel so down and unhappy those feelings are eating straight through me. I’m not a person who tries to have everything on G. With house, family and vacations. Sometimes we get stuck and we need to focus on solutions, I need to work my way through those layers and find my happy place again. I’m living through my day just like an engine when it’s turned on and just standing still, not being used.
I am the one who sits alone in the end of the day, helping everybody else, listening to others problems, trying to sort my own problems out when it’s quiet and I’m alone. Sometimes I don’t have anyone to turn to. I dress my self with that happy face on, ready for another day, ready to listen, ready to help. When will I be the one getting someone to listen to me? Yes you give and you take, it’s not easy to let people know you have trouble in your family life. Because once it’s told then it’s said, it’s out there, people talk and make up their own mind about my life. What I should do, how I should do it, and what’s best for me. And yes, but some are friends, others are colleagues. But to be honest, they don’t know the real inside me. I open to very close ones, but I’m careful opening up to people at work. I easily make my self a subject over coffee when I’m not around.
At home I have people complaining about how they feel, headaches, back pains, how tired they are, and how life sucks for them. I am the one that don’t complain, I’m the optimistic one, I am always the one who sees a solution on things. Or just tell my self “tomorrow will be a better day” But when I have all these negative things darting at me every day, yes it’s been going on now for a few weeks already, I get miserable! There is no room for me to get to say anything about how I feel about things.
I just want to bury my self down and wake up in another year, somewhere in the future. And just feel my happiness again. When I’m in this mood, I shut down, I don’t let people in, I shut my wall around me, and I stay there til I find out what to do, where to go, and how to reach above the water surface again. I’m listening to Brian Crain for god sake!!! But the music is good to me. I have my books I can read too, I listen to books through my phone.
When I felt this mood appear to me, it has made a passage those last few days, I was thinking right away that I must write in my journal here, I must get it out of my system right away. I’ve been going for long without having the need to write things down. But when I get emotional and feel the need to cry. Good god, I cry for nothing! A song a look, a compliment or just the hug my daughter gives me and she says she loves me. It melts my heart completely.
How I would love to feel loved, or seen, or just someone asking me how I was. That would make it better. Or just to get attention from someone who deeply loves you. Just like that honestly and pure. Or that hug, that hug you need sometimes, where you feel those arms hold you tight, making sure they won’t let you go, holding you, comforting you and making you feel safe. Or that lift up when you hear someone say “you mean something, you are special. What you do is great” Sometimes I wish I could hear the compliment about how nice I look. Oh yes I do, I do sometimes, from my own daughter, she is able to make me cry sometimes “Mom you look lovely, where are you going. You have such a nice lipstick on. You look amazing in that dress. Mom I love you. Mom can I have a kiss so that you make my lips red too, I want to look like you”
I am seen by many, but I’m not getting the attention I think I deserve. And it does something to me, it makes me sad and miserable. And I just want to be happy, I want to be there I always am.