:( :( :( :(

Things are bad again. I’m trying to tell myself that I go through these cycles all the time, to just be patient and that after a while I’ll start to feel better and like I’m more in control of things again. Looking through old poems I’ve noticed a lot of them were written in October/November/December time, I obviously go through very low points at this time of year. I know it happens I just feel even worse about myself because I cannot feel like this when I have a baby. I get scared that I don’t really love him if I still think of self harm and even suicide…but I try to tell myself that I haven’t self harmed like I used to (stitches, A&E, operations, staples, antibiotics all the time before) I haven’t overdosed or ended up having to be admitted to a psychiatric ward. I haven’t ordered lorazepam illegally over the internet, I haven’t abandoned my son…he’s dressed, I’ve breastfed him three times, I’ve given him fruit and toast and a packet of mini biscotti, I’ve changed his nappy twice, I changed his clothes when he got them dirty, I’ve given him his vitamins, I’ve tried to get him to brush his teeth…when he smashed a ceramic bowl on the floor I swept up the pieces and made sure he was safe…I fed him so he could have his nap and he’s sleeping right now, with his fleecy blankets and his favourite cuddly toy dog. I’ve swept floors, emptied bins, sorted out washing, tumble drying, things on the clothes horse, things on the radiators, cleared things away, cleaned furniture and the TV. I’ve managed to have toast and cereal myself and I’ve remembered to take my medication…things are getting done. It’s ok, maybe as usual I’m thinking things are completely dire and hopeless when maybe they’re not that bad at all.

I’m getting worried I’m ruining Harry’s life, that I’m not being a good mother at all…he’s being so naughty now and I feel like he’ll always get into trouble and have bad behaviour all the time and it’ll all be because of me. I’m really scared that he’ll grow up to hate me or something and I’ll end up committing suicide and he won’t even care and it’ll all be my fault πŸ™ I don’t even want to take Harry to see his new health visitor- I miss the old one, the one he’d had since he was only weeks old πŸ™ She was so good and supportive of me. I feel like crying now typing about her. She’d even come see me if I said I felt suicidal, she’d come to my house and accompany me and Harry on a local walk near my house and talk to me one on one. She’d just be honestΒ but never seemed to have bad things to say.

I’m not sleeping well at all…I have so many aches and pains because I’m the only one who carries Harry, my parents never pick him up so my neck, shoulders and back are constantly killing me πŸ™ When I try to sleep at night any position I’m in hurts me, some more than others and they prevent me from sleeping or keep waking me up and it’s awful. I feel so tired and ill πŸ™

3 thoughts on “:( :( :( :(”

  1. *puts on my smart people glasses. Do my best to look sage*

    The average human uses roughly only 10% of their brain. That measly 10% is divided into 2 categories: voluntary and involuntary. Somethings we can not control, like our beating hearts. Other things we can, like our words.

    Our thinking can change. Its a hard process. I liken it to overcoming addiction, infact its one and the same.

    You said you’re having a hard time with the affirmations, but hun, your post is full of these amazing things about you.

    Look at the quality of care you give Harry. You are wonderful with him. His naughtiness isn’t caused by you. He’s a toddler. He has approached the terrible two’s early. Congratulations – you have a highly intelligent child on your hands. He is testing his own limits and boundaries. That is why he is naughty. It has nothing to do with you. He is learning about his world any way he can and frequently that comes with mischief. I’ve been there… 3 times. You provide him with love, nourishment, security, and in return he feels safe enough to get into trouble. This is a very good thing.

    My advice is to stick to the affirmations. Over time they add up and help change your frame of mind. They are yours so they will never be wrong and they can be as simple as “I did not cut myself today” or… “I got out of bed.”

    You are great. I mean that. I think you are great.

  2. Goddess said it all so well. I, too, was deeply impressed by all the things you do for Harry and what a lucky little boy he is to have you for a mom. You are wonderful with him! Keep on, sweetheart. One day at a time. Hugs.

  3. Thank you so much to both of you for your comments πŸ™‚ Therealgoddessianna I’m so glad you don’t think I’m too bad at all! And both of you I’m glad also that you think I do a lot for Harry, that makes me really happy, yay πŸ™‚ I get so worried that I don’t do enough for him and that I’m being lazy all the time and things. Harry is very intelligent I’ve definitely noticed that one! That’s what makes him “naughtier” in a strange way but I’m really glad that he’s intelligent πŸ™‚ I managed to do affirmations again in my newest journal entry, I’ll try keep on with them.

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