Things are bad again. I’m trying to tell myself that I go through these cycles all the time, to just be patient and that after a while I’ll start to feel better and like I’m more in control of things again. Looking through old poems I’ve noticed a lot of them were written in October/November/December time, I obviously go through very low points at this time of year. I know it happens I just feel even worse about myself because I cannot feel like this when I have a baby. I get scared that I don’t really love him if I still think of self harm and even suicide…but I try to tell myself that I haven’t self harmed like I used to (stitches, A&E, operations, staples, antibiotics all the time before) I haven’t overdosed or ended up having to be admitted to a psychiatric ward. I haven’t ordered lorazepam illegally over the internet, I haven’t abandoned my son…he’s dressed, I’ve breastfed him three times, I’ve given him fruit and toast and a packet of mini biscotti, I’ve changed his nappy twice, I changed his clothes when he got them dirty, I’ve given him his vitamins, I’ve tried to get him to brush his teeth…when he smashed a ceramic bowl on the floor I swept up the pieces and made sure he was safe…I fed him so he could have his nap and he’s sleeping right now, with his fleecy blankets and his favourite cuddly toy dog. I’ve swept floors, emptied bins, sorted out washing, tumble drying, things on the clothes horse, things on the radiators, cleared things away, cleaned furniture and the TV. I’ve managed to have toast and cereal myself and I’ve remembered to take my medication…things are getting done. It’s ok, maybe as usual I’m thinking things are completely dire and hopeless when maybe they’re not that bad at all.
I’m getting worried I’m ruining Harry’s life, that I’m not being a good mother at all…he’s being so naughty now and I feel like he’ll always get into trouble and have bad behaviour all the time and it’ll all be because of me. I’m really scared that he’ll grow up to hate me or something and I’ll end up committing suicide and he won’t even care and it’ll all be my fault 🙁 I don’t even want to take Harry to see his new health visitor- I miss the old one, the one he’d had since he was only weeks old 🙁 She was so good and supportive of me. I feel like crying now typing about her. She’d even come see me if I said I felt suicidal, she’d come to my house and accompany me and Harry on a local walk near my house and talk to me one on one. She’d just be honest but never seemed to have bad things to say.
I’m not sleeping well at all…I have so many aches and pains because I’m the only one who carries Harry, my parents never pick him up so my neck, shoulders and back are constantly killing me 🙁 When I try to sleep at night any position I’m in hurts me, some more than others and they prevent me from sleeping or keep waking me up and it’s awful. I feel so tired and ill 🙁