As much as I love writing in my journal, sometimes my mind works way too fast for my hand so here we go. I have been struggling so hard with school. I feel like school is just a chore, which I know that is how it is for all students. I understand that completely. But it is a chore for me because I don’t know what I am doing with my life and feel like I am wasting time and my life. And then I try to talk to my dad about it and he is just a fucking asshole about the whole thing. And my mom doesn’t really know how to communicate with me. So it’s just me. Listening to me. The unstable, confused, love hungry twenty year old.
Speaking of love hungry, I’m starting to snack. There is a guy who I feel like I am falling in love with but I am so terrified of fully falling for him because every time I start to have feelings for someone they decide I am not what they want and they leave without a word. Like suddenly I wasn’t good enough. I know I am good enough and that they are idiots for thinking they can find better but still, I am left in the dust ready to give my heart to them. I know that if they left, it wasn’t meant to be. I could never put off a guy who was truly into me. I feel like this guy wants to stick around. I feel like we might be in a relationship this time next week sort of thing, but I am so scared to believe that. I feel like I am making myself believe and act like he is already gone. Because it will be easier on my heart for when he actually disappears from my life. I don’t want him to. I want him to stay. He acts like he wants to stay. I want him to be the one and I feel like he is, but I just don’t know what God’s plan is. I’m just kind of going with it and being myself and he loves me for that, then it’s going to be beautiful.
All I want to do is fall in love and write letters and make beautiful things and go to church. It doesn’t help that this semester is useless since I changed my major. I am trying so hard to hold out until break. Just get through a few more weeks and exams and assignments. I think I can do this. Don’t let heart break get in my way if it happens. It’s happened before and I have gotten through it. I haven’t felt in love before. I’ve had feelings and have felt lust and passion but not like this. I’ve been waiting for something like this since I started dating again. I’m praying this is what I have been praying for and God wants me to keep this guy. He wears a cross necklace like I do sometimes. Is that a sign? I look for God when I look for potential boyfriends, and maybe in this one, I have found Him.