Another Week Down

I am finished with another work week. I am so tired. I have worked some more on my portfolio. I have got to write that teaching/education philosophy statement. Ugh. I have been trying for two weeks. I worked on it a tiny bit today. I have to get all my shit together and have it ready for interviews. I have got to ask more people for letters of recommendation. I have only asked like 4 people so far. I need to ask 10-15, so I will have several to choose from. I want to have all of that shit together. 

I am going to ask Lisa what she thinks about me leaving Lexington. It will cost me financially, that’s for sure. I just don’t see how to stay here, though. If I even only go to northern Kentucky, I am taking a pay hit, which will also effect my retirement. I hate Brent for putting me in this position. 

My former friends are having the annual murder mystery party tonight. I saw it on FB- I sure wasn’t invited. I don’t understand how anyone could be so mean. I haven’t done anything to any of them. I’ve just been deeply depressed and not fun. I literally have been planning my suicide for several months of this year, and they cut me out. Very nice. At least I see what they really think of me. I was only invited to stuff when I added to the fun. When I am not entertaining, I’m cut out. Why is it that everyone that knows me- even my fucking mother sees me as optional or disposable or expendable?

2 thoughts on “Another Week Down”

  1. If your mother sees you that way, there is something broken inside her heart. She got hurt somewhere along the line (way before your time) and built walls to keep from loving whole-heartedly. I am sorry for you that this happened. My guess is, she’s a very lonely woman.
    It would be nice if all people would accept us just as we are, with all our ups and downs, but we are lucky if we find just one.
    This is a good site for venting and for honesty. Concerning suicide: DON’T. Plain and simple. Keep on swimming, girl! You’ll get there. Hugs.

  2. I don’t think that is the case with my mother. She is a very selfish, childish person. She is not lonely. She thinks she is wonderful! I wish I was kidding. She doesn’t even understand what a jerk she is. I honestly don’t care if I ever see her again. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I have to say, I’m much better off not caring. She is an idiot and I am lucky to have survived my childhood. She was a terrible excuse for a parent. I did whatever I wanted, I ate whatever I wanted, I had no bed time, no one told me to do my homework or brush my teeth. I raised myself and took care of my younger brother and sister. I hate her for giving me no chance to be a kid. I hate her for having kids and then taking on responsibility for us. She is not worth my time.

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