My Freshmen Life

So let’s say High School felt strange in the beginning. You had the busy teachers, staff, and security all working around the clock trying to get use to the new orientation. There was the trouble of new students coming and getting use to everything.

I am a freshmen.

Just a newbie trying to survive and I can safely say it’s not all bad. Like I clearly loved the food they made, clearly love my math teacher, and I don’t hate my sixth hour at all. No, I actually love the warm welcomes and perfectly fun adventures of walking in a boring room full of annoyed students, glad I have a few class clowns with me.

Can you hear my sarcasm? I think I need to work on it.

Anyways, I think high school is great and all, but not that great. Sure, I survived this long to tell a great tell in not being bullied or push around other than a few bumps on the shoulder from a student I don’t know. Except, I don’t feel natural, safe, or even qualified to be there. I feel like a neutral student or fish in class sending mixed emotions with death glares.

I truly wish there was a reason why I hate school. I guess you could say it’s all about my confusion with growing up still or my grades. My grades are horrible.

I have the most lowest GPA in my life. Middle School was difficult, more difficult than high school and THAT was a fun time. I can’t explain why I’m suffocating in my first year?

Am I fish? Is the water too clear that I can’t adapt to it? I don’t know.

I just feel salty sometimes during school hours. Still can’t believe I went to ISS 5 times this week and now I’m on CONTRACT! I was late for a good 1 minute, but the lady held me up at the front. Why?!

Give me a break, I’m a freshman for crying out loud. That isn’t even the worse part about being new to high school. THE LIES! I was DECIEVED from all the movies in the past. I mean I can see the fun “Oh no school is gonna suck” moment happens, but the endings are so good that are happy.

Now I just gotta wait for my turn in the movie to say the line “Well I guess he won’t love me, I’m too dorky, weird, and plain awkward. I’d just be a dorky Illama walking with him”. I could feel all the facepalms and mourning for my stupidity but I can’t help it. I have so much to say, so much to just do, and create a destruction of ‘FUCK YOU BITCH’.

Although in my state of being a calm and collected chica with so much sass and attitude I hold it back. I sometimes get afraid too, so I’m a wimp 😛

Even though I hate so many classes and have a distrust to all of them. I have only ONE class that I truly love. That class is my first hour elective “Orchestra”, a place only where the perfectly horrible music play to make my day. Just holding the violin is sweet and easy as it lifts my heart. I could hear everything slowly start as the plucking of a pizz. could start and the acre. would begin. Sorry if I’m wrong, but I’ve been in ISS for a week so I’ve likely lost my memory.

My sentences might not sound like a sentence but I just needed to get that off my chest. School may be boring and tiring like most times, but there is the rarest time I find comfort in knowing my teacher watches me. Knowing I can make my brother proud as I accomplish my work in class and try to honor everyone from before.

It’s just hard in school. It may be the anxiety or depression coming back. I can’t decide.

Walking in the halls feels strange and empty even though hundreds of kids walk through it in a rush. I feel lost and that I don’t belong. I want to drop everything and become lost in my own world of boredom and loneliness. I feel like I’m giving up on everything and I’m trying. I’ve been trying for years now, ever since my brother pass. I just need to keep moving forward until I find my happiness.

I don’t truly care if this will be public or private. I want to vent and get everything out before I end up dying. I don’t want to keep everything hidden if I one day lose my life. I ain’t saying I’m gonna do it, but I feel like each day gets worst than the last. I have to put up with all of it in one day. Just try to understand that I’m not seeking attention or the value of comfort from someone. I just want to be happy someday.


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