Emotionless/Full of Emotion

As I venture through my senior year, I am able to take a step back and envision my freshman year. I was an insecure 14 year old, just searching for friends, anyone who would talk to me, smile at me, or even compliment me. I had a group, but little did I know how drastically it would change from year to year. I don’t regret the group of friends I had back then, and in fact I never truly realized how innocent and naive we were, how much we truly cared about each other. Sophomore year, our groups evolved. Summer had changed everyone, and not necessarily for the better. I lost touch with many friends, I gained some new ones. Eventually our groups had settled into what I thought would be final. It was junior year, and I still had some changes to my group. We lost a person, gained a person, lost another. We were stuck in this whirlwind and didn’t know who we were. At this point, I had begun dating Austin. I spent most, if not all of my time around him. And if I wasn’t with him, I was thinking about him. He consumed my every thought. I had my friend group, and there was the typical drama, but I always had him as a constant in my life. The summer before senior year came along, and we broke up. Suddenly my everything was now nothing. He still consumed my thoughts, but in a negative way. In a few short months, I learned a lot about myself, or at least I thought I did. Senior year came along, and I reached a breaking point. My friend group had stayed the same, except one more person came along. We were excited to start off the year great. We were still high off the fact that we were seniors! We genuinely cared about each other. But that would change soon. Then the exclusiveness started up again. Week after week I wasn’t invited. Now that I didn’t have Austin, I was lonely. I had no one to hang out with, because I was the one being left out. While I lost myself for a bit, I soon came to realize that I deserve so much better. I deserve better than to be treated like shit from a selfish 18 year old boy who can’t grow up. I learned that I deserve better than petty seniors who just want to hurt me. I learned that the only person I need in my life is myself. I deserve the best, and I sure as hell don’t deserve to be stepped on by some stupid people. It hurts, knowing that I put in so much effort into my friendships, and it isn’t recognized. But I see it, and someday they will too.

Seven. Seven long months (to the date) until I begin my new journey into adulthood. Where I can start fresh, and learn that I deserve so much better than what life has thrown at me. I deserve endless happiness. I deserve the world, and I’m going to go get it.

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