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Something doesn’t feel right

I think I’ve done too much today and now I’m left overtired and stressed. There are days when I just attempt to do everything. I look after Harry and do all the housework all day and then I just seem to feel angry and restless, my mind is moving too fast, I’ve just done too much, I need to take it easy 🙁 I’ve gone from doing nothing (before I had Harry) to suddenly trying to do everything (ever since Harry arrived!) I prefer to be over tired and working too hard than go back to what I was right before I was pregnant…it’ll all be ok, things are definitely much better now than they were. I was looking at my most recent poetry from 2014 and gosh I was in a bad place! I’m more than happy Harry has managed to change it!

I wrote the poem below in January 2014, aged 25 (above picture is me aged 25!) I’d actually overdosed on Lorazepam at the time, not to die but to escape.

“Relief”

My whole being has become an infected wound

My mind and body are in agony

My thoughts and sense of self are over-run,

Infection is leaking from my eyes

Feelings of worthlessness so swollen,

That I cannot see anything else

And no one can see inside,

My self-hate is giving me a raging fever

Is my brain bleeding

From all this chaos and confusion?

Being me equals an infected wound,

All I want is an antidote…relief!

My heart beats faster

Causing the infection to spread

Now every inch of me is infested,

I dare not speak

My words are nothing more

Than the vomiting the infection causes,

I feel like an infected wound

Every part of me;

How I think, how I feel, how I perceive things

How I look;

It’s all leaking blood and puss,

Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me

Even the remedy has become

Part of the infection,

Pills to slow down my minds’ venom

Just to tire it out,

I cannot see myself clearly in the mirror

I’m close to collapsing to the floor,

But that’s my relief.

Thankgoodness Harry came along really! I can’t believe most of my recent poems are honestly written after I’d overdosed, and at one point I was writing them every day. Harry really has saved me. I’m going to bed…I feel strange really. I’ve worked too hard today, that’s all.

  1. I am helpful
  2. I am loyal

2 thoughts on “Something doesn’t feel right”

  1. Sweetie, try not to be so hard on yourself….from what you post you seem like an excellent mother and Harry is lucky to have you!! He looks so happy and healthy. Try to remember that most of your concerns and worries are normal….and so is your feelings of being overwhelmed, under appreciated and sleep deprived!!! I’m 54 raising my 2 yr old grandson and have some of the same exact feelings! You are doing a GREAT job!!

  2. Hello 🙂 Thank you so much for your nice comment, it made me feel better 🙂 That’s amazing that you’re raising your grandson, Harry is sixteen months and I think he’s reached the terrible twos already! I guess I feel really really bad when I’m over tired (which is all the time) and I get moody with everyone around me, I really don’t like being moody with people because it’s not their fault or anything.

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