I think I’ve done too much today and now I’m left overtired and stressed. There are days when I just attempt to do everything. I look after Harry and do all the housework all day and then I just seem to feel angry and restless, my mind is moving too fast, I’ve just done too much, I need to take it easy 🙁 I’ve gone from doing nothing (before I had Harry) to suddenly trying to do everything (ever since Harry arrived!) I prefer to be over tired and working too hard than go back to what I was right before I was pregnant…it’ll all be ok, things are definitely much better now than they were. I was looking at my most recent poetry from 2014 and gosh I was in a bad place! I’m more than happy Harry has managed to change it!
I wrote the poem below in January 2014, aged 25 (above picture is me aged 25!) I’d actually overdosed on Lorazepam at the time, not to die but to escape.
My whole being has become an infected wound
My mind and body are in agony
My thoughts and sense of self are over-run,
Infection is leaking from my eyes
Feelings of worthlessness so swollen,
That I cannot see anything else
And no one can see inside,
My self-hate is giving me a raging fever
Is my brain bleeding
From all this chaos and confusion?
Being me equals an infected wound,
All I want is an antidote…relief!
My heart beats faster
Causing the infection to spread
Now every inch of me is infested,
I dare not speak
My words are nothing more
Than the vomiting the infection causes,
I feel like an infected wound
Every part of me;
How I think, how I feel, how I perceive things
How I look;
It’s all leaking blood and puss,
Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me
Even the remedy has become
Part of the infection,
Pills to slow down my minds’ venom
Just to tire it out,
I cannot see myself clearly in the mirror
I’m close to collapsing to the floor,
But that’s my relief.
Thankgoodness Harry came along really! I can’t believe most of my recent poems are honestly written after I’d overdosed, and at one point I was writing them every day. Harry really has saved me. I’m going to bed…I feel strange really. I’ve worked too hard today, that’s all.
- I am helpful
- I am loyal