Taking Control

I always tell myself that I will be devastated if the guy I am interested in stops being interested in me, but really it’s never as bad I think. I think this whole year of teaching myself to understand what rejection really means has paid off. It means that the person who no longer wants to be in my life does not deserve a place in my life anyway. That I should not fight for something that does not want to stay because I worth more than that. I am worth the effort and love and the happiness. It’s okay, I’m glad I get more opportunity to find the right guy instead of settling with the wrong one.

I still haven’t spoken to my dad and honestly I am okay with it. He always talks about staying away from negativity when in reality he is the source of most of it. I know he tries to help me, I know he thinks he knows what is best and maybe he does, but his best is not always my best. What he wants for me is not always what I want for me. And what I want for me is what I have to live with and what is most important.

I have a date tonight with a pretty nice guy. He lives locally and we have a lot in common. I am getting so sick of dating, like the thought of putting in effort into another probably useless date makes me nauseous. Suddenly finding a boyfriend is no longer a priority because I feel I am no longer in need of companionship or consoling. I have all that within myself. My dating apps will be taken down soon enough; I don’t feel like putting in effort anymore and if this doesn’t work out with this guy, then I am going to ride solo for a while and focus more on me and my school work and my job and what makes me happy. Because worrying about a guy texting me back or how much he liked me is no longer on my agenda this semester. I’ll give the guys who came into my life at the second a chance, but after they are gone, I’m over it for a while.

The good news is that this guy is paying for dinner (I have no money to pay for even a candy bar) and also wants to go the park with me and my dog, so that should be really fun. I’m actually excited. My worry comes from experience. The guy and I will always get along so well over text or on the phone, I think I will be attracted to him, I think I will like him. And then when we meet in person, I don’t like his voice or the way he actually looks or his hand gestures or the way he says certain words or the way he is crude or his humor. Certain things I just can’t get past when it comes to dating a guy always pop up and it makes me nervous because I hate wasting my time. For some reason I gave this guy a chance and if it ends up blowing up then I wasted time I could be studying or relaxing. Then what if I don’t like him at dinner but promised to go to the park with him? I don’t want to get out the second part of the date and be rude. I’ll just suck it up like always and never text him again.

Not saying this is going to happen but so far that has been in the case in my dating life. What else am I to think? How am I supposed to have hope that there is a guy out there that is equally into me as I am him, and that his little flaws don’t bother me and he doesn’t mind the way I get overly excited about little things and freak out about my favorite stuff. Is there someone who doesn’t mind my crazy excitement or over thinking or constant worrying or occasional clinginess or the way I freak out about tap water? Who knows? Because I sure don’t.

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