Why? Why God?
I know people are meant to go through struggles, that’s what happens when You let humans have free will. I get that. But how could You let me go through all that without even a sign? Without even an ounce of protection. I prayed so much, I surrendered everything often. I raised it up to You and left it in what I thought was your hands. God, I trusted You! I trusted You with everything and You didn’t do anything to save me or protect me from such a messed up situation. Am I not good enough for You? Have I sinned too much? Have I disobeyed too much or walked away too many times? You choose to protect other people, so why not me? Am I really that bad?
I know the Bible says You made me piece by piece and that I was made perfect in Your eyes, despite my imperfection on earth. I know the answers. I know all that. But if that’s all true, then what stopped You from shielding me? What did I do to deserve the trauma, pain and hurt?
I try to pray and read the Bible. I try to connect with You, but I feel nothing. I don’t feel anything. God, I try to do what I can to find You. I long so much for You. I want that relationship again, I want to learn to trust You again. I want to live the life of obedience. And most of all, I truly want to be healed. I don’t want to live forever with this open wound in my heart. I don’t wanna live in a constant state of distrust and fear of who will hurt me next. God, I don’t want to live this way anymore. I want to feel You, I want to feel that you’re there. I want to KNOW you’re there and listening to me. God, I want to feel that You still want me. I want to know that You care. Yet, I can never feel You no matter how deep the longing in my heart is. I know I have a long way to get back to where I used to be, and to create a closer and even stronger relationship than I’ve ever experienced before. I know that. I just keep getting caught up in this vicious cycle. I want to get close, and I pray from my heart, but I don’t feel anything, and God I REALLY need to feel You right now. So, I get discouraged, and I temporarily give up. I try again a few days later, but the same thing happens. God, there has never been a time that I’ve needed to feel your presence more than now. I need a tangible sign or feeling that I know you’re there. I don’t know what it would be, whether it’s some sign around me, feeling inside, You speaking to me, I don’t know. I just need something. Why won’t You give me SOMETHING? I just don’t understand. I realize everything comes in your time, but I’m starting to lose hope. I’m starting to lose the faith I had that You would meet me in my time of need. God, it’s my time of need and I need nothing more than You to meet me here. I really need You to meet me here God. Please oh please meet me here tonight. I need You, I need to feel You, I need to know you’re there and that You still care. Oh God, how I need You…
God I am still so hurt. My wounds are still raw. I’ve tried to start healing, and I’ve tried to get You to help me with it, but I still feel so broken. I just want to start healing. I know it takes time, but I want it to get better. I’m so sick of feeling hurt. I’m so sick of feeling the deep pain. I feel so lonely… And no one really else understands. I can talk my head off to whoever I can find, but only You understand me and where my heart is at. God I need You to help me heal these wounds and help begin to heal all the hurt.
God, tonight I am really needing an answer to my prayers. I have had no success other ways, so I’m trying something new. But I really really need You to meet me here God. I really need you to hear and answer these prayers in a tangible way…