Open letter to you

Our experience with each other was so different for me than it was for you. And our healing and grieving possess is very different as well. And I will never, never understand yours. Just like you can’t get me and mine. 
I have been in love 1 time in my life Tim. Once. I loved someone enough 1 time to truly give them my heart. Once in 33 years of life. It’s something that is hard for me to come into, and now I am learning it’s an even harder thing to let go of. I can’t even begin to put into words how I feel inside, and how I have felt the better part of 4+ years. It’s excruciating.  I had never felt true heartache from someone I chose to have in my life (non family member) until you. I’ve never had to “move on” or stop caring before. 
So, I’m sorry when I don’t know how. 
I know we are not meant to be together, at least for the time being. My head knows this very very clear. But I don’t think my heart ever will. So when I hear you are in love and have found someone that makes you feel a way never felt before just a short 6 weeks out from the last time you told me you loved me amd would fight for as long as it took to win me back… it is CRUSHING and painful and makes it hard to breath. And, since my brain knows we should not be together I almost hate myself for having such strong reactions. 
But.. then I realize. I realized why I am so so emotional about it. Because maybe this time it’s real. Maybe this new love in your life is THE love of your life. Maybe this will last forever. And we never get our second (third) chance. Maybe this is really how our story ends. 
And I hate that. I truly fucking hate this ending. And it’s a heartbreak I believe I will never get over. 
I will never understand how you can fall in love so fast. But, I really do hope it’s real, and it’s worth it. Because then at least something good for someone came from everything I am feeling inside. 
You are the father of my children, and I want there to be light in your life, I want there to be happiness. 
But.. I’m aloud to hurt, I’m aloud to be bitter, angry and have my wall up. 
I’m aloud to feel this heartbreak a little longer.

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