Late Night Thoughts

Ugh. My belly is full of chocolate malt because a guy I recently went out on a date with wanted to see me so I said yes. And then here I am with a bunch of thoughts in my head and no one to vent. Ever since our date, I’ve been asking myself what do I really want? What do I really want out of a guy? Because this guy is super nice, kind of dorky but we have a lot in common and he is a bit older with a big boy job and big boy aspirations. Here I am questioning him. In my mind, everything I tell myself I want might be this guy but I am not attracted to his impeccable politeness and well-roundedness. I wonder… will he even be good in bed? That’s when it hit me. Where do my priorities really lie when looking for a man? Do I even want to a man anymore? I kind of feeling giving up the search because there are so many more important things in my life right now. It’s been a while since I felt heartbroken and I would like to keep it that way. I finally feel like I am out of that scary jungle of heart break and confusion and frustration for the time being. I honestly feel like at the end of the day I want a man who will care for me, love me, respect me, tell me I’m cute, but throw me down on the bed and give me what I’ve been begging for. And of course he has to be cute. This guy is great, but he doesn’t seem like he has an aggressive, sexually driven anger in him that I kind of crave when it comes to intimacy. And he’s kind of a shitty listener which is my number one pet peeve. I want a man who can turn the switch; he can be the man I want to introduce to my parents and then be rough and dirty in bed when we get home. The issue is… I always find the second part of that equation. A guy will be everything I’ve ever wanted in the sheets but is a dick and doesn’t actually want a relationship. That has been the case every time. I know that with every situation I handle with grace, God sees it and he helps me through it and I know he has someone perfect for me coming soon. But how many more fuck boys do I have to go through until I get to him? I am so tired of feeling like I could have done something different with each guy. No! I am tired of filtering myself and altering the way I say things and trying to be the girl I think the guys want. I will be who I am and if a guy doesn’t like me then I don’t want them in my life anyway! I have so many people who love me just for me and think I am great and I should expect nothing less for a man. If I end up being alone for the rest of my life, I will know that it was nothing I did. It’s that God doesn’t want me to be tainted by men who don’t treat me right and don’t see me as the beautiful, unique, and creative creature I am. The man I want; I want our souls to be the same. I am waiting to feel like everything has lined up. I literally can feel God; I can hear him telling me that my soul mate is coming and that I just need to be patient and grow from these experiences so that I am completely ready for him. I know I am okay alone; I love being single. I love me time. And I am slowly starting to back away from searching and let myself be searched for. Then prince charming will be at my door one day and everything will be perfect and finally feel right and I won’t have to question my every move or his every move. It’ll just be God’s plan and we will both know it for sure. I want to feel like someone has been looking for me as much as I have been looking for them. I want what God wants for me. Whatever it may be. That’s what it comes down to. I say over and over all the things I want in a man and I know God knows those are important, but whatever He has planned is what I am waiting for and I will wait forever for His plan to unravel for me; because it’s me and God at the end of the day. 

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