I don’t know when and how I started to feel this way. I used to think that people who mention about dying is just because they want to get attention from others or just them being weak. I would never understand why they even could think like that.
I have not reached the point where I am obsessed with ending my life…at least not yet. At this point, I would describe myself as being lost. I got nothing to live for. I don’t see the point of being alive. To me,living is hopeless, meaningless and emptiness.
It is the fact that either being poor or rich, we will die at the end. I cannot help myself to ask “Why am I here waiting for the last breath? There would be still so many years to go. Until the very day, do I need to wake up every morning and go to sleep at night? I age as the year goes by. I eat, exercise,buy stuff to live… but after all, we all will disappear from this world. What is the point of all of these??”
I have no clue if there has been something to trigger me to feel this way or just my brain chemical is doing something to me.. it could be unbalanced of my hormone …and a part of it I am sure it is genetic.
All I know is I have never felt this emptiness before. There have been more tough times in my life but even then,I didn’t think about the way I do now.
The thing is, I don’t think I will get well. I am on medication but I think this is something I would have to live with as long as I am here. The idea overwhelms me and makes me want to give up on my life. To be honest, if I could die now without any pain or trouble , I might choose to do so.
I just wanted to leave everything in writing. I am hoping that I am just in the middle of crisis in my life. This could be one of those times that I can say “ yeah, it was rough at that time but I am so glad that I have passed it.”