Look On The Bright Side

The gym… Oohh the gym…

I finally transferred my membership on Monday and have gone every other day since. I have pushed myself because this time, I refuse to be discouraged. But I swear, the gym is one giant ball of emotions for me. Think about it, there are gyms for every kind of person, from Planet Fitness who claims there’s no gymtimidation, the YMCA which is for everyone, etc… But my gym? My gym is for the gym rats, the people who drink protein shakes and eat, sleep and live for fitness. So why did I pick it? Well, it started out because they had a pool and walking in the water was great for me after my back surgery. But I had my chance to change gyms when I moved, so why did I pick this gym a second time? Well, still because they have a pool ha-ha but also because as intimidated as I am being the big, out of shape girl that does a fraction of the weight everyone else does, I am also the girl who could have died but didn’t. I am the girl who has overcome obstacles her entire life, from being bullied, to depression and anxiety, to climbing the corporate ladder. I am the girl who wasn’t born to be mediocre. I am a warrior. And that leaves me with a choice, I can be comfortable doing the minimum or I can be around people that intimidate the hell out of me and push me to be the best. I can choose to let my social anxiety take over and go home in tears or I can put on my music, sweat and leave knowing I conquered another day and another workout. I am doing this. And every day is a challenge that I am able to conquer if I put my mind to it. It’s an opportunity to feel proud of myself. Now, I’m not out to be a fitness buff or a roided out body builder but I am out to be a stronger, better, healthier version of myself and I won’t stop until I win. Everyone starts somewhere and I am starting outside my comfort zone.

On another note, in another entry I made, I mentioned how I hated defending myself… Well here are two perfect examples. My “friend” made a comment about “Don’t worry, no one thinks you’re living off the system”, wait, what? I explained it’s hard to be living off the system when you’re not receiving any kind of assistance and that’s when he comes up with “I thought you were on long term disability through work?” Well, you shouldn’t assume because while that small amount of income would be a saving grace, they denied my claim so no, I’m not living off of anyone or any thing other than my savings. And speaking of long term disability, I was heartbroken when I found out they denied my claim. The monthly income it would have provided would be a fraction of my monthly expenses, however, any amount of money would be a saving grace at this point. So when my other friend asked if I could fight it, I explained it may or may not be an option, that I’d have to consult a lawyer and if they don’t think I have a case then it’s just me and my savings until the doctors are able to fix me and that I was bummed about it. His response? That I have to keep in mind that other people have it way worse and I need to look on the bright side. I was speechless and in a way, angry at his response. That is an easy comment for someone to make who doesn’t live in pain every day, for someone who can travel vs. someone who hasn’t met their niece or seen their grandparents because they can’t sit on a plane long enough to get there, who goes to work every day and doesn’t have to worry about how they’re going to pay rent or medical bills. I wake up every morning thankful to be alive and I spend every day working to get better. I am beyond blessed for the things I have and am well aware that people have it worse than I do. But does that mean I can’t be bummed out? Does it mean I am “not allowed” to be disappointed? Yes I am blessed to have the savings I have but I also worked my entire life for that money and a little income each month would have meant that maybe, just maybe, when I am better and able to get back to work, there might be just a little bit left instead of being in debt and starting from the ground up again. Not to mention, I went from working and going to school full time with a three hour commute and plans taking up all my free time to not being able to walk more than 10-15 minutes at a time, being uncomfortable sitting and not being able to work. My plans now consist of doctors appointments and the gym. My life has changed dramatically and did so without warning. I don’t think I am not looking on the bright side just because I am bummed out. If I wasn’t looking at the bright side, I probably would’ve lost my fight and given up a long time ago… *Sigh* And here I go again, getting worked up over the comments of others. Some days I wish I wasn’t so sensitive…  

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