I’m having a bad day. Very lonely. Very sad. Work is getting to me. Depression is coming back on hard. I haven’t been sleeping good. I tried to take a nap today and started into a nightmare as soon as I dozed off. I didn’t try to fall asleep again. I am feeling very doubtful that I am going to make it. I thought I was getting better and I was past the thoughts of ending my life, but they are back.
Yesterday I had to take my students on a field trip to see a play by the performing arts school where my daughter attended. She performed the same show when she was in 7th grade. I cried through the whole thing. It was overwhelming. I miss my children being small so badly it hurts me to my core. I feel so useless and that I have no purpose. Going to that show was a huge trigger. I was dreading it beforehand because I was afraid that would happen. My children don’t need me and now I have nothing. I am nothing.
I am selling my stuff and selling my house, and maybe my car if I get a job in New York. I have been thinking that selling your stuff before you kill yourself is a smart thing to do, too. When I was thinking about killing myself a few months ago, I wrote out detailed instructions about my financial affairs, my house loan and my car loan. But now that I think about it, it makes much more sense to take care of all that yourself and not put that burden on others after you are gone. When I sell my house, I can pay off all my debts and have money left over.
My feet hurt, my heart aches, and I am so alone. This has been the worst year of my life. I have been fighting and fighting to keep going, but it’s not getting better. If I get as low as I was last winter, I don’t think I will make it out again. I am just too broken to be fixed.