Day 3

It’s day 3 of him not being here. Of me missing him terribly. And yet, it feels like it’s been a year. I’m miserable. Last night I went out for a bachelorette party. It was fun at the beginning, but then I started thinking about him. I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. But I know it’s not the same for him. I messaged him, he read it, and no reply… He knows how much this upsets me. I asked him if he was going to ignore me, he said no, but continued to read my messages and not reply.

I know he was out with his friends and family, probably getting wasted. But why do I think about him when I’m out, and he does not? Do I read into these little things too much? I’m starting to think my paranoid thoughts might be true. Maybe he doesn’t love me as much as I thought. Maybe not as much as I love him. Maybe he’s flirting and dancing with others girls…maybe more. How will I get through the next month like this? I cannot seem to live my life, and go on as I used to, meanwhile it comes so easily to him. 

He tells me not to think negative thoughts, but my mind just seems to go there of it’s own volition. I cannot keep the negative and paranoid thoughts at bay. My mind just seems comfortable there. Like agony, sadness and depression are home. Happy and positive thoughts are difficult to conjure up, and when they are, they are gone in a flash. I can’t seem to hold on to them. The negative thoughts linger, and won’t leave me alone. Why can’t I be more positive, why can’t I seem to hold on to happy memories or happy thoughts. I am tortured. When will this pain end? 

Every little word, every little message, brings about new doubts and paranoid thoughts. How can I stop this? I can see myself being needy, and suffocating him. Will I ruin this relationship with these paranoid thoughts? Or am I justified in feeling this way? 

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