We finally spoke this morning. I love talking to him as it makes me feel more connected to him, but hearing his voice also makes me want to burst into tears. He sounds happy, and I know I should be happy for him…but I am selfish. I want him here, with me. I close my eyes and picture him kissing me, hugging me, cuddling with me. I can almost feel his lips on mine, and then the illusion is shattered…and I remember that I am all alone. He is thousands of miles from me. And I have no idea when he is coming back.
Today there were moments where I wanted to cry, wanted to scream, felt physical pain from my emotional agony. And there were moments where I thought, maybe I am slowly getting used to being alone. Those moments lasted very briefly, and then I was right back to being miserable. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. My friends are sick and tired of hearing me complain and being sad, but I can’t force myself to pretend. Not this time.
Is it only day 4? The paperwork is not even submitted yet… it hasn’t even really begun. I keep telling myself that there are many couples who go through this. Who are long distance…but I don’t know how they do it. I feel as if my life is on pause until he comes back. Whereas he is living his life, and enjoying it. I find no joy in anything, and all I can think of is him, and when he is coming back. These thoughts consume me no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing. Nothing can stop me from missing him.