I thought I had submitted a post but it disappeared. I’m not sure what happened so I will try again.
I don’t feel like doing the typical first post. I will later but just not now. I can’t use my typical anonymous blog any more because it was on Pandy’s and I’m so tired of everybody relating my every day personal problems to my abuse. Maybe they’re connected and maybe they’re not. It shouldn’t be about that 24/7. I can’t use a typical notebook like I used to because my husband digs and finds it every single time. And he reads it. But I desperately want somebody to know me. So, hoping this is a safe place, I’ll post here and publicly.
I have a problem with not understanding relationships. I have a new friend. We became close very fast. Warning sign. I’ve been down this road before and it has never, not once, ended good. But I didn’t heed it. I fell for her. I’m bi and she’s gay and we’re both in bad relationships. But she doesn’t know I fell for her and I’m okay with that as I don’t want a relationship or anything.
We were supposed to do something tonight, along with a third person. Last night, rather late, I canceled. She blew up and is pretty angry. Well annoyed as she put it. I don’t get it. I apologized, explained and tried to make it right. She’s hearing none of it. If I would have known she’d reacted that way I wouldn’t have canceled. So I’m laying here hurting very badly. She’s probably bad mouthing me to others.
I asked what now that we weren’t going to be friends over this and she said she just needed a day or two to cool off but that she wouldn’t be inviting me anywhere again. I feel so… awful. And maybe that’s my problem. But I have no family I care to speak of, my husband is often gone so my friends are my family. To make it worst we move a lot so I’m constantly starting over.
I’m hurting very badly. She knows a lot of my secrets. Nobody else actively in my life knows I’m bi and I could really geek out over girls with her. It was a relief to finally be able to be me again. And she’s turning away from me over, what I think, is absolutely nothing.