Sunday November 6th

I’m a little better than yesterday. I swear, I think depression is going to be what kills me. I feel that one of these days I will be so low I won’t be able to fight the urge to hurt myself.  Everything affects me so deeply. My kids growing up has hurt me so much. I am on my ass from the pain and I know that shouldn’t be. I feel like I am no longer needed by anyone. which is actually true. I would never talk to my kids if I didn’t contact them. 

I realized today that I haven’t had a boyfriend since I’ve lived in this house. That is 4 years. And before that, all I had was Adam which doesn’t really count. I have tried and tried with the online shit and I used to go out pretty regularly with my friends when I had some, and I never met anyone. I don’t know what is wrong with me.That stupid bradlee did me like shit last winter. I am so stupid. I actually thought he liked me. I am the worst judge of character ever. 

I am going to sell my house and move somewhere. I have to do something. I am miserable.

One thought on “Sunday November 6th”

  1. I’m truly sorry to read how badly you are hurt. Children growing up and moving out is a real trauma (or can be). It was for me. I was in the depths of depression, because they pulled away from my husband and me and seemed determined to prove they didn’t care anything about us. When grandbabies come along they will get closer to you for the help, and you will be glad to let them, those babies are so precious! For now, though, just take one day at a time. Every day that you do not hurt yourself is a Victory! You have accomplished something very wonderful by staying alive: you are obeying God, who wants you to live. When time comes for you to leave this world, He won’t forget you, don’t worry. He will bring you to heaven. “Therefore choose Life, that you and your offspring may be blessed.” It’s hard to resist the idea of escape, but escape to what? Just wait and trust God. Your life will turn a corner and be happy again before long. I pray it will be so. Love to you.

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