Entry #6: I Am Afraid To Have Kids.

Things are about to get pretty personal this post and next, so buckle up.

When I was younger, I always thought it would be awesome to have a mini-me wandering around, looking up to me, and admiring me. Learning from me. Following in my footsteps. Be by my side as I grow old and watch them evolve into an amazing human-being.

As I’ve grown myself, I’ve learned that my perspective on things has changed. The things I wanted then, I’ve realized I don’t want now. I’m not going to lie; I am a bit selfish sometimes. I want to do things that I want to do. I want to travel. Eat. Learn. Experience new things. Fall in love. I want to be able to work hard and build my savings, and to use that savings and leave on a 3 month vacation with no worries. Be happy. Truly happy. I want more than what those call “The American Dream.” I want the husband, and the house, and the dog. But kids…

I have anxiety. I have depression. I’m pretty sure I have a mood disorder. I am sick a lot. Medications don’t work for me. I’m a hypochondriac. I have zero pain tolerance. I’m not fit to raise a child. The thought of it absolutely terrifies me. I couldn’t imagine the feeling of a tiny human kicking me from inside my body, that scares the shit out of me. It makes me nauseous to think about.

I think part of this fear is that I haven’t spent a lot of time around babies, or kids. I’ve never really babysat, have held maybe 2 babies in my life. I’m a waitress, and when the other servers freak out about how adorable a baby is, I don’t really care. I look at kids and I can’t see anything when someone says “Oh it looks so much like the mom [or dad]!” I don’t see that kind of stuff.  I just see a tiny hazardous human, that poops, pukes, cries, ruins your body, and takes all of your money. I feel like I sound like a terrible person, but this is truly how I feel, and as of right now nothing seems to be changing that.

I honestly am starting to really realize I do not want children.

Has anyone else ever experienced feeling this way?


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