Love Thoughts

I miss Matthew so much.  Most days I meet his bus after school and stay with him til his mom gets home.  He isn’t quite up to staying by himself, although he is 15.  We have a little Bible study right after school and then a short rest.  I lie down on his brother’s bed.  He gets home much later.  Matthew is quiet as a mouse during our rest. Sometimes I think he is asleep and then clear as  a bell (after about 15 minutes) I hear: “Can we get up now?”  So we do.  “I want to have more time with you,” he explains.  He likes to put a video on TV and then talk me through it, making comments constantly.  Some are outlandish.  Like, “Would you like to have that pteranodon in your house?”  Answer: not especially.  We are cut from the same cloth, Matthew and I.  That is why I recognized his condition sooner than anyone else.  I could tell he was sad.  How could they NOT?  He didn’t get diagnosed until around 4 years old.  Maybe it was 3.  His brother is more classic autism.  If you saw Rainman, you’ll get the idea.  If you didn’t, I recommend it, though not for children mainly because of bad language.  Matthew has some bi-polar mixed in and who knows what else?   When he gets really upset (over some little thing, almost always angry at himself) he gets violent.  He has kicked out two cabinet doors in the kitchen, for instance.  He was violent the night daughter called 911 and the ambulance came and took him to the psych ward of the hospital.  He couldn’t calm down.  Daughter is usually good at talking him down.  It is scary when he throws things and knocks over furniture.  I never did anything like that.  But the general instability he gets partly from his absentee father, his other grandma, and me.  I’m just talking on and on.  My heart was so full today I had to let some flow over.  Thanks for listening, if you did.  You were my shoulder to cry on today. (smile)  P.S.  When not having a meltdown, Matthew is kind, gentle and obedient.  He is very tender with animals and even little insects.  The meltdowns are almost like some atypical seizure.  I wish the hospital would figure it out and help him!

4 thoughts on “Love Thoughts”

  1. I hope the hoapital is able to find effective medication. The mix of bi-polar and an autism dx is a very complicated thing (as I am sure you know). I can so relate to everything you are saying.

    It made me angry when The Man failed to see and support me with the fact that something was atypical with Deedee. He was mad at me for it. I had to go against his wishes, get her evaluated, and enrolled in Early Intervention. Now he credits EI for Deedee being high functioning and having a variety of coping skills.

    Matthew is so blessed to have you in his life. Maybe you could write him a special, silly letter so he will know he was loved and missed while he was away.

  2. You and Matthew have such a great bond and I can tell he treasures it as much as you treasure him! 🙂 He doesn’t mean the violence…I have been violent sometimes because I have a mental health condition that causes overly intense emotions and it doesn’t just hurt others it hurts the one who is being violent too…he doesn’t mean it xxx

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