Russian roulette

I haven’t been the best person this year.  This has got to be one of the shittiest years of my life.  I’ve picked up a lot of bad habits despite trying to learn from my mistakes at the beginning of the year.  Those habits are hard to get rid of and every time I do it I feel like I’m playing Russian roulette and one of these times the gun is going to go off.  I went out with this guy last night to go bowling.  He was easy to talk to and has the most sweetest dog.  I’m not sure why I went or even why I’m still talking to him.  I think it’s just a substitute for Rob, whom I haven’t heard from in awhile.  I doubt I’ll ever see him again in person because he lives so far away now.  I know I have a boyfriend and I’m probably going to win the award for worst girlfriend ever but I just can’t help playing with the ‘gun.’  Other than that, I went out with co workers for a second night in a row on Sunday night and we went to this pool hall that was having karaoke.  A lot of people from work came and I was staying at this girls house so I had no problem with getting drunk.  I took a lot of shots and that’s where I met the guy I went bowling with last night.  At the end of the night I pretty much blacked out and this guy ended up kissing me on the lips but it was one of the girls friends whose house I was staying at and she got kind of mad because I guess she wanted to get with him.  I don’t know why because he wasn’t even that cute and he had his shirt unbuttoned and his chest hair sticking out (ew).  She said she ‘wasn’t really mad at me but more mad at him,’ but I feel like I won’t be going out with her for a long while.  Also, my other friend from work got all butthurt because I guess he has been wanting to get with me and I said something or did something (or didn’t do something) that night that I blacked out and he got kind of mad at me too.  It’s more like they’re not really mad so much as annoyed or frustrated….I dunno.  I definitely did not do it on purpose because they are my going out buddies.  Well, they were…    So I’ve been off work for three days now and it’s kind of nice.  I don’t know how awkward it’s going to be when I get back and see them.  I just need to slow down or be more cautious about stuff I do these days.  I am just being so reckless and I don’t know how to stop.  Hopefully I can start fresh tomorrow without doing anything bad or pissing anyone off. 

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