first rant

I need a break. I need time. I need to rediscover myself again. I seem to have lost all sense of worth and being when I had Tobias. God knows I love my son but he is hard work. Even as a new born he was advanced, he could support his own head by the time he was a week old. By the time he was a month old he could sit up with support, at 6months he started feeding himself with his hands, when he was 9months he was walking around holding on to furniture and crawling. At 12months he walked confidently by himself.  Now at 14months he can swing on swings and climb up and down slides properly by himself. He has started to form words now so when he is in a good mood and not having a tantrum I can generally tell what he is saying. 

He never stays still. Not even for a second. From 4:30am when he wakes up until 6pm when he goes to bed he is all go go go. He sometimes has a nap during the day but it is no longer than an hour in length and because I breastfeed more often than not he is napping across my body so I can’t get anything done. 

I feel like all I do is run around after Tobias and my husband, Jordan. I am cook, cleaner, babysitter, teacher, councillor and carer for them both but at the moment it feels like no one is there for me. I feel completely alone.

i want someone to look after me the way I look after my boys, not everyday but just once every so often I’d love it if my husband said ‘ ok babe, you stay here in bed, I’ll take Tobias  downstairs while you have a lie in. I’ll bring you breakfast in half an hour and then I’ll run you a bath.’  But it doesn’t ever happen. Or it did once but the reality of the task was overwhelming for my ASD husband and after 20mins the two of them where back upstairs and I took over my usual role. MUM.

I feel like the person I was before I had Tobias has vanished, that she has been replaced by some imposter that has doormat written on her forehead. I don’t go out unless it’s for a baby play group or to go food shopping. I don’t buy anything nice for myself, I haven’t had a haircut in god knows how long and none of my clothes fit because I’ve lost so much weight since having Tobias that even my clothes prepregnancy don’t fit. 

I just need some help to keep on top of things, I know he works long and hard but so do I. And I work round the clock. I just want to feel like he appreciates all that I do for him, Tobias and the house. I want to be a team. I’m not Wonder Woman. I know he is tired from work but  it would just be nice if for once when I asked him to do the dishes he actually did them. 

God I sound like such a moaning bitch right now but I so tired of doing everything for everyone else and no one thinking about what I need and how they can help me. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve no energy what so ever. I just want to cry all the time. I know in reality things won’t always be like this but right now I’m so low, I want my husband to come in from work and give me a hug, I want him to send me to bed whilst he does the tidying up but I know that will never happen.

Having ranted and raved I feel that I can’t leave this post on such a negative thought. I need to start trying to turn my depression around. So I think I’ll end each post with 1 good thing about the day. 

Todays good thing was that Tobias slept through lunchtime so I managed to have my Oreo milkshake and cheese and baked bean toastie all to myself- no sharing. 

Small miracles. 

One step at a time. X 

 

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