My therapist recommend I try to journal. She did not specify that I shouldn’t share it, so here we are. Recently, my boyfriend of nearly five years broke up with me. By recently I mean within the past two weeks, I literally don’t know because for the past couple days I haven’t been here. My body has walked around, drove myself to work, bought a car(?!), checked myself into therapy and probably had a multitude of conversations I seriously can’t recal. Today though is okay. Okay because I was here, right above my feet.
Where should I start first? I guess I’ll start with what I want to talk about: him. What do you do when a life you have been building together is just suddenly snatched from your hands with absolutely no warning? We were going to have kids, get married, get old, and always be us. We were that couple, you know the one. The people that are so stinking perfectly compatible that they finish each other’s sentences, can order each other’s food, and rule the world together if they wanted to. We connected on so many levels and were compatible it what felt like every way. So back to what do you do?
Seriously when does it stop? The crying, the hoping, the dreaming? Well certainly not right away. This has been the hardest thing and it will be for a long time for me. For awhile I went after questions. Why? Was it me, was it this or that or someone else? We all ask these questions when this happens but when it comes down to it, does it matter? Ask yourself these questions. Regardless of how they answer does it make you less sad, worried, hurt? No. What is done is done. To get over something we have to realize that it is now passed tense. To hang on to a moment after it has already come and gone is stopping you from grasping the present moment.
Just let go.
I’m not there yet, but maybe one day I can be.
I’ve cried every day since this happened, but today when I cried, I didn’t cry as hard as the first day.
Today I finally told a friend of mine what was going on with me. I haven’t been meaning to keep this a big secret, but I keep to myself when it comes to my personal well-being. I like to be private. Also, I’ve been afraid of how people will react. I’m already panicked, I’ve already cried and thought about everything I’ve lost over and over again and the last thing I need to hear is exactly what I’ve already been thinking and crying about. You know? I told him anyways though and guess what happened? He listened. He let me pour it all out. He let me tell him how incredibly lost and helpless I felt. He let me tell him how I’ve lost 10 lbs (a lot for my size) and now I’ve been struggling to eat. He listened to me tell him things that are so incredibly difficult to talk about. He then hugged me and didn’t let go till I did. He went to dinner with me and distracted me while I tried to eat- so that maybe I finally could. He made me feel so important, loved, and cared about. He didnt badger me with the “you’ll find someone better” or the “screw him” comments. I’m still so shocked and thankful that someone like this exists and I get to call them MY friend.
Perhaps, I might not have to cry myself to sleep. Maybe I won’t have to toss and turn in this empty bed. Tonight, I feel a little less empty and a little more whole.