My First Entry

The last thing I want to do right now is describe myself, but in case anyone ever reads this and is curious, I’m just what my username says. Fat and Scene. And no, I’m not over exaggerating when i say i am “fat.” or begging for attention or whatever. Im over 300 lbs. To be fair, i am 5’8 but when you’re a girl, no matter how tall you are, you can’t just erase 300 lbs.

I have piercings and colored hair and wear eyeliner and look like a basic scene kid from 2007. I really don’t mean to, honest, but I like how i look as a “scene” kid. And I’m not all the way scene. I don’t like bands. My favorite genre of music is hiphop and rap.

Im a high schooler, not getting anymore specific than that as far as age goes. And I’m a female.

So there. Thats all you need to know.

Anyways. On with why I’m here

Im here because I’m going through a crisis. A huge one. That i need feedback and input and what not on. And if no one ends up reading this, then at least i’ll have gotten this all off my chest.

I have a crush on this guy.

Yes, i am aware i sounds like SUCH a teenage girl right now. And i know whoever is reading thinks they know EXACTLY what i’m going to say.

But keep reading

This guy is someone that just looking at him, I could never imagine having developed a crush on him, considering the fact that he literally looks like a fucking Hollister model.

He’s in my Geometry class and we started talking when we were sat next to each other about a month ago.

I believe he was the one who initiated conversation, since i DOUBT i would have had to the guts to start one with him.

When we started talking, I realized we had a lot in common. We both had sassy, dark senses of humor and dark, sassy personalities. And he was really funny.

But I can’t look him in the eyes. Because he’s SO FUCKING HOT.

On two other occasions he has sought me out at lunch hour and initiated conversation with me and tried to get me to walk to class with him (Geometry is right after lunch, so it was our next class)

I started to think he MAY be SLIGHTLY interested in me, but I was fooling myself.

About a week ago, possibly more, he got into a car accident of sorts and stopped going to school. I only found out a few days ago (like 3 or 4) through a post he posted on Facebook  that that was the reason why he wasn’t coming to class.

Yesterday night, I worked up the nerve to message him and ask him if he was okay and shit, because I was actually genuinely concerned.

He actually messaged back and we messaged back and forth all of this morning and early afternoon, and he ended up asking me to come to the hospital (he wasn’t still a patient there but his mom was) and get lunch with him.

Which was weird, even if he meant it in a totally friendly way.

Because guys have never really wanted anything to do with me. romantically or in a friendly way. Im just a guy repellant.

So the fact that this INSANELY attractive, INSANELY funny and interesting guy would want to do anything with me for any reason is mind blowing to me.

I told him i was sick (and i actually am, which is the reason i was home all day today instead of in school) and that i didn’t want to get him or anyone else in the hospital sick.

I told him I had mono (which i do) and that he probably didn’t have an immunity build up to, and he said “the only way I’d be able to get it is if i kiss you so…”

Which

FUCKINg

HAD

ME

SHOOK AF

LIKE WTF

that could be something totally innocent

but, and excuse me for getting my hopes up, thats a sign that he likes me.

But on the other hand

He doesnt respond that fast to my messages

like it doesnt seem like its a priority to answer me

which puts a wet towel on the whole “he likes me” theory

also,

  1. I don’t know if he is single or not. His Facebook profile says he is but maybe he is just keeping it private?
  2. i don’t know if he is even into girls. Again, his Facebook profile says he is into girls and guys, but that may be outdated or a lie? idk, they way he talks and his sass and how fucking good he smells everyday and how much attention he pays to his appearance may be a sign he is gay, which i know is a total stereotypical thing of me to think, but its kind of true

theres also one other small thing on my end.

I have a boyfriend.

Yes, i am aware, I’m a horrible human being.

Yes, i am aware that this is not something that should be happening to me while i  have a boyfriend.

But i don’t even feel like defending myself at the moment.

but just trust me, i have a reason to have a crush on another guy.

Theres something going on with him, i don’t know what, but i can sense it

and i have really good intuitions

I just overall feel like he doesnt care about or possibly even love me anymore.

he doesnt make me feel like I’m cared about.

Basically I feel like I’m begging for attention all the time.

which i guess is why this is all happening.

and yes, i have talked to my boyfriend about how i feel, but that conversation ended in failure.

which basically means he ended up denying everything, taking on the victim role (how dare you, yes i do care about you, i guess I’m just the bad guy then, huh?) and then ultimately changing the subject.

Please comment what you guys think and any advice you may have on how to handle this.

Do you think he likes me?

what do you think i should do about my boyfriend, no matter what happens with my crush?

4 thoughts on “My First Entry”

  1. Okay. So, since I don’t know you or the guy you’re talking about, I can’t exactly say whether he like likes you. Since you apparently haven’t known each other for too long a time, maybe you should keep waiting a bit to determine whether he likes you romantically or platonically.
    I don’t think it’s wrong to have a crush on someone else when you have a boyfriend. Sometimes you meet better people. Maybe this boyfriend is just not for you. But that doesn’t necessarily mean the other dude IS for you. It all depends. But anyway, it’s not wrong to like someone while being in a relationship with someone else; it’s just wrong if you/anyone dated two people at the same time without telling them, which I don’t think you’ll do.
    And if you really feel like you’re not happy with your current boyfriend, you can just break up with him. You’re not a horrible person for feeling like he’s not making you happy. And then, if this crush really likes you back, then by all means get with him if that’s what is going to make you happy and feels like the right thing to do. I know this isn’t super helpful, but I really hope you can sort all this out and do what makes you happy. Best of luck.

  2. Well, last week, I read this book called Skinny, and the main character’s in high school like you. You’d really like this book, because you’re almost in the exact same situation as Ever, the main character. Ever ends up solving her problems, but I won’t tell you how, because I don’t want to spoil anything. Also, the book My Life Undecided would help in your case as well. Let me just tell you this: Read the books Skinny and My Life Undecided to get help for your situation, because it’s the most help I can give you. Hope it helps! 🙂

    -JustSmile

  3. My advice is going to be extremely depressing but truthful. It’s that, whatever happens to you now, is not going to matter 5 years later (unless you get pregnant and have a kid, then that will matter). Everyone you see in high school now – say goodbye to them once you graduate because you won’t see them again.

    So my advice is just to do as much as you can, while you still can. High school is one of the best times in life, where you don’t have to worry about money or having to work day in and day out stressing about every little situation. You get easy homework assignments, you meet lots of awesome people, so enjoy while you can.

  4. First, let me say this- you should not be in a relationship that does not make you happy. If you are lonely and unhappy, then that guy is not for you. And you shouldn’t STAY in a relationship just because you are afraid you will not have anything else. Believe me, people will love you and be attracted to you at any size, and your size shouldn’t determine your self-worth. No, I am not a teenager any longer, but I HAVE been in your shoes. And I have raised a daughter who has been there too. Life is too short not to love and value yourself enough to be happy.

    Now, about that guy. I agree that you should give it time to develop; there is no rush, and really developing a friendship first is the best thing you can do. If you ask couples who are happy together, they always say that they are with their best friend. That is so important. Don’t sell yourself short by thinking that because he’s hot, you don’t deserve him. If you are smart and funny and he likes smart and funny, then there is nothing to discuss 😉 A very wise woman told me once ,”Don’t let the turkeys get you down”. It’s true- the opinions of insignificant people are insignificant, so hold your head up and shine. ♡

Leave a Reply

SCROLL TO TOP