Recently i I broke up with my girlfriend, and by recent i mean 4 days ago. I’m not going to lie it was a fucking bomb, i knew it was coming, i did but wow it stung. I’m not an emotional guy at all, on the outside not to sound overly cliche but i just stuff them down and the hurt goes away that my experience anyway. I don’t know why I’m writing this but i know, if ive learned anything from jess it is to not be afraid to feel but shit i love her and the thought of not seeing her again brings me to tears every time the thought tunnels up to great me.
It scares me shitless knowing that this girl had so much power over me, only a few words from her mouth could tear my soul out and the same girl make any problem I had into just a mere annoyance. She had the gift to just fill me with joy and pure ahhh with every second we spent together. It turn’s out now that this gift of happiness she carried with her was absolutely toxic to my admittedly small mind. It washed away all my drive, my ambition, my passion for life to only scraping by on the bear minimum. I knew exactly what was going on, this wasn’t a problem for the first year, i still had all my essence just less as time went on but as soon as she moved away, maybe a month after my body keep telling me, stop look at your self, what are you doing and the answer i knew was nothing absolutely nothing. I had stopped dead in my tracks, i stagnated, didn’t continue to grow. It sounds like above that i blame her for all of this, partly so, not because she was scheming to ruin me but simply because she existed. i had found someone that gave me everything i needed all in one perfect, insainly beautiful girl on the inside and the out.
I know why exactly why she, what feels like, she just tossed me away. It because i wasn’t me anymore i was no one just existing day to day. I was walking around numb. So So So numb to the world, my own emotions and every thing that was in front of me. It just kills me she left, and i would have to if put in her position because i wasn’t anything but a value leach.
I kills me inside that i forced her to choose her self over me, i wish i just could have sorted my shit out and found my own happiness in life, fill my own cup cause wow she could have turned that cup into apple juice. She really is an amazing girl.
I know in my heart that i will bounce back from this absolutely devastating blow because wow i never knew i could become this low but she will always hold a piece of my heart. I am torn truly torn between letting her go forever and letting her drift of into the world and out of my life or saving her as a thought for a latter date, after i become the man i want to become and then whisk her off her feet so i can grow old with this amazing soul I’ve come to love.