Dear Diary, Today I Could Feel

Today I felt hungry, finally. I felt like I wanted to eat something, not because I knew I had to, which has been the scenario for the past few weeks, but because I was actually wanting to feel full. So I did. I finished my lunch today. I bought myself whatever I wanted for dinner. I didn’t have to push myself to eat or close my eyes to hold back the tears. I know this seems minor but it’s been weeks since the last time I could finish a meal, or even get close to half. Today was such good day because of this, and I’m so happy that I had the ability to acknowledge this and love myself for this moment.


All day today I was thinking about what I would do when I get home. I was feeling strong today, especially after eating! I figure I could bring  a box home from work today and maybe start packing up his things that were still laying around. I felt confident. However when I came home and set the box down and looked around what use to be our room full of memories, I couldn’t. I broke down. Photographs, a pair of slippers, and some pajama pants brought me to tears today. The human mind is such a complex and interesting thing. At first I was disappointed in myself. I had worked up the courage all day for this moment and now I’m giving up. I realize though that it’s so important to be kind to myself right now. If I can’t do it today I can try another day. If not that day then perhaps another. The point is, I will get there if I let myself heal. I pampered myself instead. I took a small nap and snuggled up with my four-legged companion in our new electric blanket. When I woke up I took a longer-than-usual hot shower and used the best smelling lotion I could find. I packed myself an extra large bag of blueberries for tomorrow’s snack. Now, I’m again snuggled in bed wearing extra soft socks and still feeling warm from shower. Tomorrow will be a new day. 


I mentioned yesterday that I had a therapist. I didn’t just get one because my ex broke up with me, but because my entire life I have struggled with overwhelming anxiety. (Better late than never?) Especially in times like this, I feel like I have no control over my thoughts and generally cannot cope or function because of them. Once we got passed the elephant in the room (the breakup) we were able to talk about my day to day concerns. Turns out I have OCD. It’s weird because this is something people would literally joke about with me. The way I organize things- anything- is so mathatical and precise that people joked that it wasn’t normal. That part was something that always helped me at passed jobs and even now, is probably why I do well at my job. What people don’t see or think about with OCD is what happens when I am unable to scratch that itch- if that makes sense? They don’t see how it can turn my day upside down. Or, if my day doesn’t start exactly the way I needed it to, it’s hard to get passed it. For me I have to be fully prepared for the next day before it starts. If I clean or do a display at work I notice the second anything is moved or out of place. Don’t even get me started on how often I have to check, double check, and triple check anything. But hey, I don’t forget things very often? It’s incredible how much I’ve learned about myself recently and I’m actually very excited to learn to control this. I know we have only scratched the surface though.


I just wanted to say thank you to those who took the time to read or comment on my last entry. 

 Cheers to tomorrow.



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