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Journal Day 24

Last night I fell asleep after re-reading the introduction story from the book “How We Die” by Sherwin B. Nuland. I just found out died in 2014 from prostate cancer after doing a search for it online. He was 83 years old. In the introduction of his book, he was a 22 year old medical student taking care of his first patient (who, spoiler alert: dies in front of him).

The author was well over his 60s when he was writing this, and alludes to how his patient must have thought “Here comes this baby faced kid” as he went to check the patient’s vitals. 22 year old being called a “baby”, or “kid”? I’m around that age at 23. To me, 22 isn’t so young, after all I was 22 just a few months back. 22 is a mature, healthy adult age, isn’t it?

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My breakfast, I ate a bunch of blackberries (not shown obviously)

Oh, to say that 22 or 23 is young. I can’t imagine it. Though if I did live past 50, half of my life at 50 would be more than all the years I’ve lived so far today (25 > 23). That’s a lifetime of learning. I mean up to my present age, I was able to accomplish and learn so much. Just imagine if you had that lifetime, 25 years, to do something. Anything from your dreams becomes possible. It takes work to make your imagination a reality, but I’d say anything is reachable given that time.

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Found a caterpiller in my raspberries

I mean, Bill Gates made his billions within that timeframe, America was probably formed within that timeframe, the Internet came alive within that timeframe, any famous actor or successful whatever has done so within that timeframe.

Youtube only came out 10 years ago, any major YouTube star today that has a billion subscribers only started within 10 years, and a lot started within 5 years. iOS and Android Programming came out within 10 years ago, any successful business or game that came out from it, came out within 10 years.

25 years. That’s a lot of time to accomplish anything, any possible thing that anyone can think of is doable in that 25 years (Okay, maybe “living 26 years” is not possible within 25 years, but you get the idea).

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Eating a grape

I woke up today at around 6 AM, not intentionally. My parents were talking about something in the kitchen, which is very close to my room, so I heard them very loudly. I was really annoyed and I went to go shut the door. I lied in bed and tried to sleep for another 10 minutes, when I just gave up and turned on my computer. Time to work on LG2MT, I thought. I worked on it for a few hours, it’s going well.

It’s 3:43 PM now and not much has happened since I wrote that last paragraph. There was a chat this morning between Observant Bystander and I, she sent me a message while she was in her programming class and was working on her site. Apparently CSS is now considered “programming”. I kid, but it should’ve been called “web page development” instead. She was working on her site and sent me a link to it. I wish I started writing this earlier instead of now since I would’ve been able to describe it a lot better. I felt really happy with my chat with her, she’s a good person to talk to, but now in the afternoon I don’t feel so great. I feel tired and sleepy.

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Lunch I had. I have a 360 view of the city, from the office, I sat at a lunch table that faced outward towards this construction site. Soon the stores that are visible now won’t be later once this building is completed

I was planning on taking a break from work for a while and just walking outside for an hour or two, and then taking tomorrow and all of next week off. I feel overworked, I had a very productive day today like most days, but I want to take a break for a while. I’m still considering it. One of my co-workers invited me to a football game at his home this weekend, I said I’d go, but I’m not sure, I kinda want to go just to experience what it’s like watching a football game on TV.

But like I said, I’m not very energetic right now.

Well I just ran outside for 6.2 miles with a friend. That’s 10 km for those who live outside the U.S. It was an exhausting run since it was freezing outside. I felt almost like I was going to die. When I reached the halfway mark, 3.1 miles (5km), it took forever getting back as the temperature continued to drop and my shirt became covered in freezing cold sweat.

I found out that the more I write on this joural, the quieter I am. A co-worker I used to be good friends with, we’re just okay friends now, I used to visit his house sometimes and play videogames, asked me what was going on with me “yo what’s going on with you? been a while”, and I looked down at the ground and smiled, then said “oh nothing much” LIKE A DOUCHE. Shit. He was like “oh, alright” he smirked and then started talking to some other folks. I mean this was at the lunch table.

Well. I was quiet basically the entire day today. Not really normal for me. But Ever since I started writing – ever since I started internalizing all these thoughts, I just disconnected with the world – it’s like the world isn’t there, just my thoughts. Kind of fucked up. I don’t like it. I like other people and getting to learn from them and their experiences.

Anyway. Today was a day. Tomorrow is another day. I would say, overall, this week so far, today was the worst day out of all of them so far. Because today was overall bland and boring. I have nothing to say. I just feel really lazy and incompetent. I’m grateful for my friend that goes to the gym with me. Glad he puts up with my shit, because I bet most people can’t.

Nothing much to say except I probably should have gotten more sleep. I’m sure the chemicals in my brain weren’t functioning correctly the entire day which is why I feel like this. Hmm. Hmm. There is a Korean barbecue party and karaoke tomorrow night I was invited to actually. I already RSVPed not to go, not that I don’t like people, I don’t like people right now. My amount of regrets are climbing, I’m growing older and I’m not experiencing life. I always tell my friends who are down that “life is awesome, don’t ever forget that”, I know that factually it is awesome, but I don’t feel like it is awesome. Hard for me to think about anything positive or hopeful. I feel silenced.

2 thoughts on “Journal Day 24”

  1. Man. I feel you. I am also one of those people who will remind their friends that life is awesome and worth living–it’s one of those things I do without thinking because of course life is awesome–but then it’s hard to really think that way. I don’t think it’s a bad thing though–you can’t possibly live in a permanent state of “the world is soooo amazing and I’m soooo positive ALL THE TIME!!!1!1” That would just exhaust you. As for things that are hopeful, the fact that you’re still alive and there’s always a tomorrow is a hopeful thing 🙂

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