Open letter part 2

You tear me up as an individual all the time leaving me feeling never whole. And I can deal with it, I’ve been made to feel like shit my whole life.  
But the amount of loneliness you bring upon me as a parent is almost completely unbearable. Paralyzing. Full of anxiety and fear and just emptiness. 
Promise after promise to be there as a father. 
First time something comes up after the last promise made only not even a week ago… and I get absolutely nothing from you again. You have no idea how heart-rending it is to sit and listen to professionals tell me how they see our son struggles and how I so bad wish I could take them away for him but I can’t! 
And, I am walking it alone. Again. Like always. And it’s not what I ever wanted or stupidly never expected from you. Ditch me, sure.. go for it. Lie to me, ok I’ll deal with it. 
Not be there, here, as a parent… my other half in our children’s life… 
I can’t. 
The only thing that is to come with the way things are and have been are for me to slowly stop treating you like a partner in this. To not treat you as a Coparent. That’s the only thing I can do.

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