Journal Day 25

My breakfast (2-3 servings of this plate)

The more I write in this journal, the more I discover of myself and why I realize I’m unhappy. It’s not chemical related and it’s something I have a great control over. Exercise is the best anti-depressant there is, and I’m not lazy. Last night I ran 6.2 miles (10km) and I did it with a friend, we made jokes often and talked to each other while running in the cold of night, yet I felt completely depressed when I got home. Completely depressed.

It wasn’t suicidal depression. It wasn’t sadness depression. It was unfulfillment depression. People will never realize how completely and powerlessly depressed I feel as I write this. I felt pretty powerless waking up this morning. I worked on LG2MT and everything is going great, I never doubted my ability to complete this project, and I haven’t ran into any real problems at all.

My body for a long time was frozen. Right now I’m typing at 1/10th of my normal speed. My fingers barely move. Just hopelessness and despair fill my body and it doesn’t want to react in the way that I want it to, seemingly no matter how hard I try. I went into the office’s “quiet room” to lie down. I just lied there and stared at the ceiling for 20 minutes straight, my body and arms unmoving. I felt my right hand grasping onto a lamp on my right, elbow curved at a right angle, an unnatural and awkward position, but it just stuck, for 20 minutes. Millions of thoughts went through my mind.

Aaaaand I’m all better now. It started with my co-worker on the left talking to me, we made jokes, talked about stocks, what we were working on. Because of my frustration though, I set up a meeting with him to talk about what I was frustrated about. We know each other very well and we can talk more closely about basically anything.

I wrote that part above while I was still in the office and we hadn’t had lunch or any meetings yet. I felt really good after talking to him for some reason and I set up a meeting to talk about something more deeply. Insanely deep.

After our small chat, he said he was going off to lunch, but we could have the meeting when he got back. He got up and left. I got up a few minutes later feeling refreshed, and I went into the kitchen to grab some food.

–The next 5 paragraphs are about how I ate some tortilla chips and it was the most amazing experience, skip if you want–

The kitchen has a bunch of free food you can just grab and eat. One of my co-workers always buys a Chipotle bowl with chips, but he never eats the chips, I don’t know why he buys it, but he buys it and always leaves it at the main kitchen table so anyone can eat it. He went to the restaurant yesterday so that paper bag of chips is about a day old.

I was feeling kind of brave. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a raspberry tea Snapple, something I rarely drank. This was after I had that 20 minute frozen moment, so I didn’t really care about anything at all at this point. I grabbed it and I started shaking the bottle so that the flavoring that fell to the bottom would mix again with the liquid. While shaking it I walked to the end of the kitchen table and saw the bag of chipotle chips.

Again, something I rarely eat, but at this point I didn’t really care about anything. I opened up the paper bag of chips and it looked full, as if just one or two chips had been eaten. I didn’t want to eat it raw, so I went to the fridge to see if there was any dip. There was a lot to choose from, some spicy dips, some mild dips, I chose to get the hummus, so I grabbed it and started dipping and eating. It felt amazing. One of the best moments I felt that day was when I took that first bite of a tortilla chip with hummus at the end. Maybe it was because I was hungry? But it just felt like the most amazing experience.

After eating a few more bites, I didn’t want to eat too much, so I put the hummus back, and I closed the paper bag of chips and just left it there. I think I grabbed an apple pie Lara bar at this point and some nuts and sat back down at my desk. After eating all of it, I kinda hungered for more of those chips. I didn’t care, I stood up and ate some more. Amazing. Eventually I used up all the hummus dip so I opened a new mild tomato sauce salsa dip and poured some onto a bowl and started eating some more.

I ended up eating that entire bag of chips. Thank you person for bringing those in and not eating them.There’s actually tons of tortilla chips in the kitchen, it’s just that those ones from Chipotle taste slightly better. Very slightly better. But like I said, this was an amazing experience.

–End tortilla story–

I went over to one of the windows and I just sat and stared outside, observing the construction workers as they built this skyscraper. There used to be a parking lot, you could see people fighting over parking lot spaces, or drive around the entire lot looking for a space. You could see teeny tiny people walking around on the ground. Now it’s just this building under construction, soon it’ll obscure this awesome view.

I just contemplated a lot of things. Like I said, millions of thoughts flowed through my head as I laid down in the ‘quiet room’ earlier, frozen and staring at the ceiling. My mind overflows with ideas and wisdom. I’ve read too many books on death. I’ve seen too many videos of death actually occurring in real life. I’ve discussed death with too many people. And I’ve projected myself too many times into the bodies of those who died in their final moments, imagining what they experienced.

So I think deep thoughts. Very deep thoughts that have never crossed most people’s minds. Oh. I also visit and read people’s suicide stories or suicide attempts and reasoning. There’s hundreds posted a day. It is a really depressing world when you look at it from their view. I’m able to understand life from a different view when I project myself into what they’re feeling. It is a terrible feeling, the worst feeling. I’m not at all suicidal, I completely value my life and the state of my body. But I grow from understanding more from this world.

After staring outside the window for a few minutes, I stood up and got back to my own seat. Me sitting there didn’t really last that long, there were people walking behind me so I didn’t want to be that guy that stared outside a window. Still, I thought about a lot of things in those few minutes while staring out that window.

When I got back to my seat, I started working a little bit more. Then, I don’t know how long later but it felt like a few minutes, my co-worker got back, and it was meeting time. By the way, this person that sits on my left is the same person who buys the Chipotle chips (which is optional and is like $3 or something), and never eats them. So we can nickname him Chip.

Chip and I have the best meeting I have ever had in my entire life. Hands down. This was the most productive and eye opening meeting I’ve ever experienced in my life, and he agreed it was the same for him too. We’ve been in, I don’t know, a few hundred or more meetings, and this was by far the most special.

I cannot go into the personal details, but we go down on a very deep personal level. It was two men with resonating wavelengths, agreeing on the same ideas, expressing the same thoughts. It was insanely productive. I can’t go into the personal details, but I can go into the broad subjects of some of what we talked about, and we talked about a lot.

The meeting lasted two hours. So there are around 30 or so meeting rooms in the office and to use them you have to reserve them which costs around $20+ per hour, depending on room size. Some of these meeting rooms are gorgeous by the way, a lot of them overlook the city outside and are very modern in appearance. Since we work there, we can reserve any room we want for free for however long is needed. But there were usually so many vacant meeting rooms we didn’t even bother reserving, we just walked until we found an empty room.

So the meeting lasted two hours. During that time we had to switch rooms twice. Once because we got kicked out after being in there for 2 minutes, the second time we left the room intentionally after we got really deep into topic, and we felt like there wasn’t enough privacy. We were only in that room for maybe a minute and a half before I said, “wait let’s move rooms.”

It was a good call, the third meeting room we found was solid. Lots of wall between us, lots of sound proofing too. Lots of privacy. We got very deep into conversation like I said, and we only had about 5 minutes of interruption total, so for around two hours straight, we kept on talking, non-stop. My mind and basically everything I knew, flowed from me and into the words that i spoke.

We talked about life, death, the past, the future, our personal problems, our personal lives. It was the most passionate talk I’ve ever been a part of, with someone who completely with resonated every idea I had, because he had them too. It was just the most open-hearted talk I’ve ever experienced.

So, I talked about some of the ideas and observations I had, and I think he was just completely blown away. I mean, these ideas are mind blowing, especially in the way I would describe them. Oh man, it was just so breathtaking. Every moment of it.

I just can’t describe a lot of what we talked about because they’re so personal. It was around 95% personal. Almost everything we talked about we related to our own lives, so it would just be so hard to bring any of it up. I know that right now I’m thinking, “I’ll never forget this conversation”, I won’t forget we had it, I will forget about the topics and ideas, so I’m going to put what I remember in a private entry.

Well, I put some of what I remembered in a private entry. Never to be published because it just contains way too much information.

Anyway, some of what I can mention is that we talked about death. I mentioned to him the book “How We Die” by Sherwin B. Nuland who passed away two years ago. How he was in his 60s when he was writing his book, and he referred to his 22 year old self as being a “kid” or a “baby” and I told him how shocking that was considering that’s around how old we are now, yet this guy refers to that age as being a “baby”.

I also told him how he passed away just two years ago at 93 (he actually passed away at 83, I got it wrong in telling him the story), and how quickly all that time passed. I mean 93 years isn’t very long, it starts and then it’s over already. He gives an example of a person he knew, and it’s very personal so I won’t go into details, but we bring that into the conversation and we go through it. How unexpectedly a life can end.

I told him how life today is similar to how it was in ancient roman times and how it’s not so different to life today. I told him how when I used to think of the 1900s, I used to think in black and white because that’s how most of the photos and video were. But in reality, they saw everything we saw, the blue sky, the beautiful stars, the green trees, the beautiful outdoors, everything we see now is what they saw, but those ancients died off thousands of years ago.

I told him that, today it’s the present and we don’t really think much of it. But in say a few thousand years, historians might say we’re living in an era called “Ancient America” before it was destroyed by nuclear weapons for example. It is so sad and so true how quickly life is over before you know it.

I brought up how we’re having this conversation today, but before we know it, this conversation will be something we look back on. I mean, at the time when I said this, the moment felt so real and so present, and we both felt emotionally powerful, that it felt like that moment was going to last forever. But as I’ve brought up many times in the conversation, life ends, and so too will this conversation. I said that no matter how much effort was put into living, death could not be resisted.

This conversation was a two hour one. It could have easily gone to five, but I had to pick up my mom. It was a non-stop barrage of idea sharing, emotional tango, and just so many connections between our ideas and wavelengths were formed. There wasn’t a single point we disagreed on. We were on the same exact frequency and it was just so powerful. He is another person that is exactly like me in thought. That is a powerful thing to have met him sitting next to me at work.

I can’t even describe how powerful it was. If there was ever a revelation I’ve had, the conversation between me and him today was it. No comparison to anything else I’ve ever had.

I felt rejuvenated after the conversation, I didn’t care about anything minor because the only things I cared about were discussed openly and confirmed. What else could matter?

On the drive to pick up my mom though, I was extremely cautious and cognizant of the situation. It was such a powerful talk that we had, that I kind of had this idea that, after that talk, I’d just die somehow of an accident or something. So I drove carefully.

I didn’t bring it up earlier but I talked with Observant Bystander again today while at the office. I want to mention her a lot because she actually reads this and I know it’ll cheer her up that her name pops up so many times in a positive light. This was after I ate the healing tortilla and before I had the meeting with Chip. So it was around the ‘staring out the window’ moment.

In the office, Observant Bystander and I chatted and joked around for a bit. I don’t remember specifically what we talked about, but she showed me this 3d model she was working on in blender and I sent her a photo of my computer setup. I was impressed by that kind of work, she created an x-wing using blender, this is usually a college level program. I don’t even know how to use blender, the only 3d tool I know is tinkercad which I’ve 3d printed a few objects from.

My computer setup

Anyway, I told her that I’ve met thousands of people in the past and most people just come and go. I asked her if she wanted to stay in contact forever, she said I was interesting to talk to and agreed.

We didn’t talk again until later that evening after I got home from work. She sent me a message sometime while I was having a meeting with Chip, so I had no choice but to reply late. She sent me a message with her grades and I was pretty impressed with the technology one, I think it was 98%. The programming class she takes she says she’s learning HTML, CSS, PHP, Javascript, and JQuery. In freaking high school. She really terrifies me.

I really never want to lose touch with this person. From my own insecurities having met people, forming a great relationship with them, and then having it all end, I asked her again if she wanted to be friends forever. And she agreed. We performed a virtual pinky promise across thousands of miles on it.

I really hope our friendship lasts until we die. We just have a lot in common together from being into tech, and both writing daily journal entries. It’s kind of surprising how I went from writing about her being possibly the only other person that did this, to getting in touch, and now we’re friends for life.

I explained that in our friendship, we’d do our best to support each other and help each other grow. I’ll do my best as a support, and I hope she does the same. We might be able to work on projects together later down the road if she’s interested. I want our growth to continue and never stop until we die. If she can resonate that same drive, then this could be the best life long friendship that has ever formed.

One thought on “Journal Day 25”

  1. Your conversation with Chip sounds phenomenal. And you have a priceless, valuable relationship now with Observant Bystander. You are blessed! I’m glad for you. Stay as alive as you are now. I think you would be a good friend and very honest, from what I’ve read on here.

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