Nov 19, 2016
I’m ready for this adventure of self-evaluation. Who am I? What do I want? Why do I over analyze things so deeply? What do I stand for? Will my way of thinking ever be good enough? The questions could go on and on.
Here recently I’ve been smacking my head against a wall in hopes of finding the answers to these questions. I’m not completely certain on how to answer these questions honestly; I blame it on my upbringing. I hold the closed-mindless I was surrounded by as a child accountable for the uncertainty of my values. My parent’s views on things were very closed off. If they deemed something true, it was true and nothing could or would ever alter their reasoning for it. I did not have much individual freedom because of them. The only time I expresed myself freely was around my friends and brothers. I was never taught to view things from different perspectives because I was forced to view it from their’s. I could continue to go on and on about past experiences in my childhood but that’s not the point.
The point is this: I was never allowed individual freedom. My parents judged all that was improper in their eyes (My views, my dress, my friends and their actions, etc.) Because of them, it was difficult to contract my own morals and thoughts. I was always unsure of where I stood with my values and philosophy in life. I was simply existing and not thinking about things thoroughly enough.
Fast forward to Murray State University. Now that I’ve been in college and been influenced by the thoughts of wiser people, I’m starting to think more fluidly and critically. It’s still challenging to make my mind up about certain things because I’ve always lacked a solid foundation. My parent’s aren’t breathing fire down my back any longer which makes finding out who I am a lot simpler.
Recently, I’ve been dealing with some self doubt. Most of which has been sparked by my girlfriend Kora but she’s a whole different mystery. A lot of this self doubt all traces back to lack of confidence, where I stand with my values and the lack of intensity in my thinking. I told Kora all of this and she advised me to educate myself. So I have been. I’ve researched good books for my mind. I’ve read about depression and how it can completely change a person. I’ve also started to read a book called Mastery. It’s about re-discovering the simple things you enjoyed as a child and running with those things to lead you to your true calling. Words are good. Knowledge is exciting. I’ve been reading and so far the wise words of others have been insightful.
For one, I have figured out something super important about myself. I have a fairly simple mind. I don’t perceive things as deeply or as creatively as others do (aka. my super bright girlfriend and her studio friends). I choose to see the best in situations. That’s my strength. I’ve concluded that my way of thinking can lead me to neglect and maybe not consider the consequences created by certain situations. I don’t necessarily think that this is a bad thing. Certain parts of my mind are not triggered when faced with certain situations. I blame my lack of experience or awareness. That is why I want to read and educate myself. The last thing I desire is to be a person simply existing in this world. I crave so badly to make a difference. In order to be an influential figure, I must know exactly what I stand for and what I want. As the image of myself sharpens, I will be able to view things more clearly from my perspective of things. It’s all about finding myself and the answers to all of these questions I have.